I must be making up for lost time...

I haven't posted in over a month, and here I am posted twice in one day...within minutes.

Ha! I have stuff to say, and time to say it...it just didn't fit with my last post.

I called up Paradise Fitness to get information about fees, etc. I really want to get back on track working out more. Now, I enjoy zumba. But $5 a pop...or $40 for 10 classes...or $50 for unlimited a month...is a pretty big chunk of change for me right now. And when it's mostly cardio, and I want to do more toning, I'm wanting something different. Yes, there is a zumba toning class...but it is only Wednesdays from 530-630. I have church at 7. Not a good time for me. Yes, there are bootcamp classes that are not really cardio...but they are usually at 7 pm. I don't want to sit around for 3 hrs. after work, unable to eat, waiting to work out from 7-8. I come home hungry and want to eat, yet need to be in bed by 10 or 1030 at the latest. I don't like that scenario in any way, shape, or form.

To get back to what I was saying...I called up Paradise Fitness to see what the rates were, etc. The girl I spoke to invited me in for a complimentary walk-through and work-out or whatever. So I'm going Friday at 10 am. Ha! We'll see about this...if I'm going to start paying for something, I want to know I'm going to be doing it! I was doing very well for awhile, until it got cold. I was walking almost every day...even on Saturdays! (Miracle!) So I want to get back to that. I thought about doing something at home, but let's face it...I haven't been able to make myself stick to anything at home!

So...we'll see. All I know is, I never felt better than I did when I was doing something every day. So since I quit, I've started to feel very gross. I think my body can tell it's not getting the exercise it needs...and I think that daily exercise really was helping more than I thought. Because I can definitely tell a difference now that I've stopped.

A Little Piece of Me

There are so many times I want to sit down and write something. I get bits and pieces. Usually just one page worth of inspiration. Then I end up with 50 random sheets of paper with different thoughts that I have no idea what to do with.

I've always wanted to write something that would/could be published. I've never really told anyone that, but it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. Problem is, I'm not sure how to go about making that happen. The truth is, I have always loved writing and I'm inclined to think that God must have put that in me for some reason...but I'm not sure what to do with it.

Maybe I should hold on to any random pieces of paper I find when I clean stuff out. Inevitably, whenever I go through stacks of stuff, I find at least five. I usually look at them and throw them away. I think maybe they are like puzzle pieces, and one day I will have enough to put them all together. But then I re-read them and think, "How in the world could all of these go together?" Then I throw them out.

Maybe from now I'll hang on to all of them...keep them in a folder or something. Because maybe those sheets are just like my life...I'm constantly getting bits and pieces from God that don't always make sense. But they really are puzzle pieces. I may not see how they all go together, but one day, when I'm finished with everything He has given me, I will look back and see the whole picture and finally understand how all the pieces fit together.

Perhaps I need a little more patience and faith...patience to know that anything worth doing usually isn't finished overnight...and faith that one day I will look over everything and finally see how it can all fit together to create something that will touch someone's life.

WOW!

So tonight in young adult group, Jason talked about Abraham - how he believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness. The point being, we need to believe God. Not just say we believe Him, but really believe Him. Believe what He says He will do. But then beyond that, we need to act on what He says. True belief in what God has said will result in action. He said that the things God tells us may not happen how or when we think it should. It may take some time, like God's promise to Abraham. But we need to hang on to those promises and not let go.

I was thinking about my own life personally, remembering the things God spoke to me when I was still in high school. And here I am, 11 years later, still waiting. I've made mistakes, screwed up, and turned my back on God since He spoke those things to me all those years ago. I know how the Bible says the call of God is without repentance. (Romans 11:29)

SIDENOTE: Just read this scripture in the Amplified for the first time ever. "For God's gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them when once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]" Can you say WOW???

But I also know how the Bible says that whoever looks back isn't fit for the kingdom. (Luke 9:62) So I've been struggling lately to figure it all out. I've been waiting so long...did I miss it? Did I look back enough to just throw away what God had for me and screw up my chances? Or does He still want me? I know He still loves me and all that, I wasn't questioning that. I was questioning whether those things God placed in my heart were still things He has for me to do, or if I've just messed all of that up beyond repair.

So anyway....what Jason was saying got my mind going down this path, thinking these things over. He talked about never quitting. About when it gets REALLY hard, and we feel like we can't keep going, to just take another step. Keep taking one more step, because that's when the promise will finally come. So while he was saying all of this, I had an epiphany!!!

God is omniscient. He knows everything. He knows the beginning from the end. He knew ME before my parents even thought about me. So if He knows everything, when He spoke those things to me 11 years ago, He knew the day would come when I would struggle. He knew I would fall away and do my own thing. He knew I would have to make decisions and that I would end up making the wrong ones. But He still told me those things He had for me.

Why? Because He knew it wouldn't change anything. He knew I would mess up and make things harder for myself, but He knew my heart would come back to Him. He knew that underneath all the mess, my heart would always really be His. And even though I'd mess up, I would come to realize that truth myself. HE KNEW.
 
And with that said, I can go back to Romans 11:29 in the Amplified. And I could jump up and down right now! "He never withdraws them when once they are given..." It's like Kim Klaudt said one time he came and ministered at church, "God didn't call you when you were 22 sitting on the front row in church. He didn't look down and slap His forehead and say, 'Hey, Jesus! I just got it! Why don't we send Billy Bob to be a missionary in Africa?' He doesn't wake up and slap his forehead and say, 'I could've had a V8!'" It's so true. He knew me before I was born. When He knew me, He called me. He just didn't tell me until 11 years ago.

So now I have hope again. Hope that the work He started in my life, He will finish. I will finish what He has called me to do. No matter how long that takes.  

This is what happens when it rains...

                So today is one of those days…one of those days where my mind goes a million miles an hour, thinking about things I know I shouldn’t be.

                I went to see Courageous last night with some friends. It was a very good movie. It made the desire I have for a Godly husband that much stronger. I know marriage isn’t the answer to my problems…that it will bring entirely new problems into my life. But I also know that if I have a man who is committed to God first and foremost, and is willing to be the spiritual head of our household, marriage will be an amazing experience.

                I tend to get impatient about a lot of things, especially concerning marriage. I tend to rush when I meet someone because I want that so badly that I don’t even stop to ask God what He thinks. Then I end up hurting and angry. Truth is, I’ve known better than to try and date most of the guys that I did because I knew they weren’t right. They may believe in God, and may even be Christians, but all in all, I knew they weren’t where I wanted my husband to be spiritually. That should have been my key to turn around and run, but I didn’t. So God let me decide for myself and I ended up miserable.

                But I don’t want to settle. I want someone who will seek God and love God more than he loves me. I want a man who is determined our house will live for God. I want a man who will put family before work and anything else, because he knows what matters most. I’ve always wanted a man who would understand that and put me and our children before work. That he wouldn’t be so busy trying to make money to afford STUFF that he would forget what really matters…like recitals, games, just doing things as a family.

                So many times I feel like there is something wrong with me because I’m about to be 28 and I’m still single, but I’m finally beginning to realize…it’s worth it to wait for what I really want, than to settle for less than God’s best. Because He knows the desires of my heart…my desire for a Godly man…and He can find the right guy and send him my way! I just have to believe and keep my eyes on Him!

Just a thought...

There are some things I haven't necessarily dreamt of doing, but I have thought somewhat seriously about them.

Along a similar, although somewhat different line, I really don't believe we have much time left here. The way things are going in this world, I really believe Jesus is coming back soon. With that said, I know there are things He has spoken to me about His plan for my life. I know I've made lots of mistakes, but I firmly believe my mistakes have not negated those plans. I believe He still wants me to do whatever it is He has called me to do. (I know general things, the specifics are what elude me.) So with all that said, I'm thinking some things are gonna have to start popping! I curious to see how the rest of this year goes, as well as next!

I pray that when opportunities come way I will seize them and not shrink back in fear. I pray that if I need to take a step of faith, that I will know when and how.

And that brings me back to my first statement...there are things I used to think about when I was younger, though I didn't necessarily consider them "dreams." And I have since written them off. But now I'm beginning to think maybe they aren't impossible like they seem...

My 10 Year Anniversary

Ten years ago today, my life took a turn that would change me forever.

Around the beginning of 2001, something happened. I don’t remember exactly how or when, but I knew things weren’t right. It scared me. So I ignored it, hoping it would go away.

It didn’t. My mom found out and set up an appointment for me to see a doctor. I went periodically so they could do blood work and make sure I was doing okay. I was given a prescription to help me get better. I rarely, if ever, took the prescription. The pills I was given had to be swallowed whole. I had struggled with swallowing pills since I was in 3^rd or 4^th grade. It was a mental issue, but I had yet to beat it. So I got progressively worse and worse, not really understanding or knowing what was wrong with me. My doctor appointments became more frequent to the point I was going every week.

On Monday, September 10, 2001, I went to see my doctor as usual. I had to wait for them to get my blood work back, which had become the norm. When the doctor came back in with the results, she told me she was admitting me to the hospital. She said that she could send me home, hoping I’d get better over the following week, but that my hemoglobin had dropped 3 points in one week, from 10 to 7. Odds were it would drop another 3 points, and I wouldn’t see her the next week because I’d be dead.

At the age of 17, that was a shock for me to hear. So I was admitted to Enterprise Medical Center. Tuesday, September 11^th, we all know what happened that morning. So while the United States was in turmoil, I was in a hospital, waiting on a blood transfusion to save my life. I was transferred to UAB Hospital on Wednesday. I had IVs, tests, blood drawn 3 times a day, all that fun stuff. It was a trying week for me, but God was still there with me through it all. The doctor who checked on me every morning (with all his interns or whatever they were), asked me if I had experienced any pain. I told him how I would lay on the sofa, curled up in a ball, because it hurt so bad. It literally felt like someone had set my insides on fire. It was unbearable…I had never felt pain like that before…or since, for that matter. Whenever it started hurting, I’d pray to God to either take me home or take the pain away, because I couldn’t stand it. I would hide my face so my family wouldn’t know the pain I felt and I would silently cry…begging to be set free from the agony. Without fail, after a couple minutes, the pain would go away. I told the doctor it would go away, just didn’t tell him why. He was stunned. He said, “I’ve never heard that before! As bad off as you are, the pain is normal. But it’s a constant thing. Someone in your situation should be feeling pain like that, but it doesn’t just stop.” When he told me that, I realized that God really was with me, as if I didn’t already know. I just wish I would have told him the truth.

There was another day they had to give me a special IV. I don’t remember what it was or what it did, but the nurse told me that it would burn. The burning sensation would last the whole time, and it took about 45 minutes for the whole process to be complete. But as she was setting things up, she looked at me and said, “May I pray for you?” I told her yes. She prayed that the IV would not burn like it should. Then she really got going and started praying in tongues! I was so thankful for the great nurses I had, especially her, a believer who knew the power of God! When she started the IV, it burned the minute it hit my vein. She held my hand and thanked God and it quit burning. It never burned again while that liquid ran into my arm. That was another eye-opening moment for me.

I thank God for the great nurses I had at UAB. He surrounded me with people who really cared, especially that sweet black lady who wasn’t afraid to step out and pray for me! While at UAB, I had to learn how to swallow pills, too. One day, I had another really sweet nurse. I don’t know if she was a Christian or not, but she came in and worked with me and really helped me to overcome the whole mental block I had concerning swallowing pills. She was patient and took the extra time to help me.

Also while I was there, I met a specialist, who was going to be my doctor. She was the one I would have to visit periodically to make sure everything was still going well. She came in and explained everything to me. She told me I had ulcerative colitis…a disease that could not be cured, but could be controlled. She was a nice doctor, and all the times I saw her I felt like she really had my best interest at heart, but that first day I met her, when she told me that, I couldn’t agree. I stayed calm on the outside, listening to everything she told me, but on the inside, it’s like my spirit jumped up and screamed, “NO! I will NOT live with this! I won’t have to put up with it for the rest of my life! I know a doctor who can cure ANYTHING!”

Finally, a week after I was admitted to EMC, I was released from UAB. They had to weigh me before I left, for my records. I was 99 pounds. Let me tell you, at 99 pounds, I looked like I should be dead. (Some of you know this, as I actually weighed in at 97 last year when I got really sick around this time.) Even though I finally got to go home, and seemingly the worst was behind me, the battle was just beginning.

I had to deal with depression. I had never been depressed in my life. I was only 17 for crying out loud! I wished I had died instead of surviving. I didn’t think life was worth it. Things got better when I was accepted to UA, but the excitement of change just masked what I was dealing with. The depression reared its ugly head again during the summer of 2003. I decided to take summer classes because I didn’t want to have to stay an extra semester, and I knew I had to do an internship the summer before my senior year. I dealt with a lot of stuff that summer, and found myself, once again, wishing I wasn’t alive. I didn’t see a point. I didn’t think it was worth it. I had forgotten about how God brought me through everything and all the ways He proved how much He loved me. One night in my room, I was crying. He got stern with me…corrected me. But it broke that depression off of me and I KNEW I’d been set free!

Satan has tried to put it back on me, and there are times I almost gave in. But every time it gets easier. Satan actually tried to give me those same thoughts not too long ago. “Life isn’t worth it. I’m not worth it.” The minute the thought hit me, I started laughing! “Satan, you can’t be serious! God knows everything about me…the good, the bad, the ugly, and He STILL showers me with His love in ways I could never earn or deserve! How in the world can I dare to think I’m not worth it???” That’s one of the things God said to me, actually. He reminded me how He sent Jesus to die FOR ME. Then He made me realize that, basically, what I was saying was that Jesus died in vain. That the ultimate sacrifice was a waste. How could I ever look at the cross and doubt that God really, truly LOVES me? There’s no way!

There are so many more things that tie into this story…MY story. But obviously there’s too much to keep it short. I have shared some stuff with different people, but I have kept pretty silent about most of it. I know God has plans for me, and I think it’s time I start stepping out more. I know this is just a blog, and it’s a toss-up of how many people will actually read it, especially since it’s really long. But at least it’s a start.

WARNING: Long Post! I've Got A Lot To Say!

Last night I was so tired, I was in bed by 8:45. However, once I was in bed, I suddenly couldn't fall asleep. I felt wide awake and my mind was moving quickly. I have seen a couple posts here and there about how next month is going to be 10 years since the attack on the World Trade Centers. That means that next month will be a 10 year anniversary of my own. I have started thinking about a blog marking my anniversary, and I have even jotted down some ideas of what I want to focus on in said blog. I actually got up last night (since I couldn't sleep) and wrote for 30 minutes.

I wrote as the thoughts flowed. I will not post exactly what I wrote. But I realized there are so many things I want to say. So many things that I have kept inside. I have a testimony, yet when have I ever stepped out and shared it? I have shared some things with different people, but I do not think there is a single person I have shared HALF of what happened with them. But now I am getting off topic. That is a blog for another day.

There are so many things STILL flooding my mind. I want to be more like God. I want to please Him. I decided about two months ago that I was going to walk in love. And here I am...failing more than I am succeeding, apparently. At least that's the way it appears to me. I'm learning SO MUCH and the cry of my heart is that I will be a DOER of the Word and not just a hearer.

I sit and think when I'm alone, "God! I'm so frustrated! I know I'm supposed to be walking in love but this person did this...that person did that...it hurts!" I constantly...daily...hear things come out of my mouth that shouldn't. It seems like a vicious cycle. BUT...God still loves me. He hasn't given up on me, so how can I give up on myself? I feel like I'm so far from where I should be, but then I remember where I was. Maybe it's harder because I'm more aware of those things that need to change than I was before. I'm seeking God more and seeing how much I fall short of what He is. BUT...I say that with this revelation...that GOD has done everything for me that I need to be like Him. I see how much I fall short, but that should only serve as a reminder of His GRACE and MERCY that He provides for me EVERY DAY. That no matter what I do to try and be better, works will never get me there. Only His love and forgiveness can do that.

I say all this because my emotions are still my biggest enemy. And that ties directly into my endeavor to walk in love. I listened to a message by Keith Moore on Tuesday entitled "Love Seeks Not Its Own". The whole time I was listening, I felt like I was getting a good ole' fashioned spanking! That message HURT! It was NOT easy to hear. But I NEEDED it. "God corrects those He loves." (Heb. 12:6) But even after hearing that message, and it smarting like it did, I knew in my spirit God wasn't ANGRY with me. He knew I needed to hear it. It isn't the first time He has had to be a little harsh with me. And yet, the first time I really remember God being harsh with me, is one of the most precious times I can remember. However, that is, yet again, for another blog. This is a very important issue, one that I need to learn and get settled NOW. It's not easy, but I believe I AM growing. Though it may not always seem like I am, I have to believe it.

It gets tiring, keeping the flesh and emotions under all the time! But OH! Will it be worth it! One day I WILL look back and say, "Thank you, GOD, for not giving up on me! It was a struggle! I made it harder than it should have been, but it was worth the effort!" And that day will be SOON! (Not saying I will be perfect, but I have faith that I will see change sooner than later!)

This year has been a turning point for me. I know God has so much for me, and I will NOT let up until I have everything He has for me! I want my life to please Him! Without Him, my life is meaningless. I know by the end of this year, I WILL BE different! I will grow in the months ahead and start out next year stronger than ever! No devil in hell...no piddling emotions...no weak flesh...is going to keep me from getting ALL God has for me THIS YEAR!

I'm excited for when I look back at this point in my life and see how awesome God is and all He has done for me!