I wrote as the thoughts flowed. I will not post exactly what I wrote. But I realized there are so many things I want to say. So many things that I have kept inside. I have a testimony, yet when have I ever stepped out and shared it? I have shared some things with different people, but I do not think there is a single person I have shared HALF of what happened with them. But now I am getting off topic. That is a blog for another day.
There are so many things STILL flooding my mind. I want to be more like God. I want to please Him. I decided about two months ago that I was going to walk in love. And here I am...failing more than I am succeeding, apparently. At least that's the way it appears to me. I'm learning SO MUCH and the cry of my heart is that I will be a DOER of the Word and not just a hearer.
I sit and think when I'm alone, "God! I'm so frustrated! I know I'm supposed to be walking in love but this person did this...that person did that...it hurts!" I constantly...daily...hear things come out of my mouth that shouldn't. It seems like a vicious cycle. BUT...God still loves me. He hasn't given up on me, so how can I give up on myself? I feel like I'm so far from where I should be, but then I remember where I was. Maybe it's harder because I'm more aware of those things that need to change than I was before. I'm seeking God more and seeing how much I fall short of what He is. BUT...I say that with this revelation...that GOD has done everything for me that I need to be like Him. I see how much I fall short, but that should only serve as a reminder of His GRACE and MERCY that He provides for me EVERY DAY. That no matter what I do to try and be better, works will never get me there. Only His love and forgiveness can do that.
I say all this because my emotions are still my biggest enemy. And that ties directly into my endeavor to walk in love. I listened to a message by Keith Moore on Tuesday entitled "Love Seeks Not Its Own". The whole time I was listening, I felt like I was getting a good ole' fashioned spanking! That message HURT! It was NOT easy to hear. But I NEEDED it. "God corrects those He loves." (Heb. 12:6) But even after hearing that message, and it smarting like it did, I knew in my spirit God wasn't ANGRY with me. He knew I needed to hear it. It isn't the first time He has had to be a little harsh with me. And yet, the first time I really remember God being harsh with me, is one of the most precious times I can remember. However, that is, yet again, for another blog. This is a very important issue, one that I need to learn and get settled NOW. It's not easy, but I believe I AM growing. Though it may not always seem like I am, I have to believe it.
It gets tiring, keeping the flesh and emotions under all the time! But OH! Will it be worth it! One day I WILL look back and say, "Thank you, GOD, for not giving up on me! It was a struggle! I made it harder than it should have been, but it was worth the effort!" And that day will be SOON! (Not saying I will be perfect, but I have faith that I will see change sooner than later!)
This year has been a turning point for me. I know God has so much for me, and I will NOT let up until I have everything He has for me! I want my life to please Him! Without Him, my life is meaningless. I know by the end of this year, I WILL BE different! I will grow in the months ahead and start out next year stronger than ever! No devil in hell...no piddling emotions...no weak flesh...is going to keep me from getting ALL God has for me THIS YEAR!
I'm excited for when I look back at this point in my life and see how awesome God is and all He has done for me!
