My Musings for Today

This is (hopefully) going to be short and sweet.

I was thinking about some things that I have gone through over the course of my life. Things that happened years ago. Things that happened a couple months ago.

I was thinking mainly (of course) about the "biggest," most recent struggle I have had. I hate that it still takes up most of my thoughts. I hate I still haven't completely let it go, even though I want to and long to. Let's face it, I'm tired of spending another day with the same thing hanging over my head. It's ridiculous. It is also a waste of time and energy and it is a bad distraction.

So, I basically beat myself up some days because I feel like I am not making any progress. I feel like a turtle stampeding through peanut butter. But I realized, years ago, when something would happen, it would send me into a downward spiral. I would begin to question why I was even here. "God, why didn't you let me die? Why did you save me...just so I could live and go through hell all over again?" It was wrong, but it was the struggle I faced. Now, I no longer question God. I wonder why I am still thinking about or (sometimes) obsessing over something that happened months ago. But instead of being sad and down, I am still happy and hopeful. So I realize, I HAVE made progess. I HAVE grown. No, I'm not where I want to be, but at least I'm not where I was!!! And no one can get credit for that but GOD!

Adventures with Lisa

So I had a couple of adventures lately. I meant to blog about them earlier, but this week was very busy and I didn't have time to do it until now. 

Adventure #1: Last week Wednesday, I was leaving work and headed to the post office, which is my usual routine. I turned onto Murphy Mill and was just driving along. I had 50 million different things flying through my head that I was thinking about. One of those things was NOT how fast I was going. So, of course there was a police officer clocking people, watching for speeders. He pulled me over. It was ridiculously hot, and I was having to wait for awhile. Long story short, he told me he clocked me going 49 in a 35. Whoops! I don't ,drive that much over the speed limit, so when he told me that, I knew he was going to give me a ticket. He took my license and went back to his car. When he came back, he asked me if I have ever gotten a ticket before. I told him I had not. He told me he didn't think so, and that he didn't want to be the one to break my streak. He let me go with a written warning. He also thanked me for not arguing with him. (I never understand people who are brash enough to argue with an officer. Really? Are you TRYING to get yourself thrown in jail???) Needless to say, I was incredibly grateful. I knew it was the favor of God. And it was a real life example of how God is...that even when I sin and deserve punishment, He is gracious and merciful and does not give me what I deserve. I was REALLY happy because my sister and I had plans to go to Montgomery that Friday, and had I gotten a ticket, shopping would have not been an option for me! And shopping was so much fun! Found good sales and got a couple items I really wanted.

Adventure #2: On the way back from Montgomery, there were 5 or 6 dump trucks traveling down the highway. My sister was driving and in the process of passing the trucks. Gravel was flying out of them and showering the windshield, which I (obviously) did not like. With good reason. A larger (though still small) stone flew out from underneath the door (don't know what they technically call it) on the back of the truck and proceeded to crack my windshield. Not chip. Crack. Thankfully it wasn't a huge crack. It was just over 1/2 an inch. But still. I was NOT happy. I finally called up my insurance company and got hooked up with Safelite who came to the house today to repair the damage. It doesn't look as bad to me, though you can still see it, of course. Plus the guy cleaned the outside of my windows AND vacuumed my floorboards! That was awesome. And I didn't have to pay a cent. 

So those are my recent adventures. If life stays this "exciting," I think I have found a new name for my blog!

I Saw the Light

Have you ever thought you wanted something? Well, let me rephrase that...have you ever REALLY wanted something? Then things happen and you don't get it and you are left hurting and wondering WHY, GOD, WHY??? For me, it seems like most of the time I never get an answer. I'm left hurting and wondering because there was never an explanation given. (Obviously, the last sentence refers to situations that involve other people). I have learned a lot about myself recently. I hate unresolved issues. However, I hate conflict and confrontation. Do you see my problem here? I am STILL, after 30 years, learning to move on and let things go, usually with no answer as to why. (More or less my own fault, too.)

I re-listened to an older message of Keith Moore's titled "Trust Him." In it, he started talking about people asking "why." He said the why isn't the issue. "The issue is what you do when you don't know why. That's when your heart is proven. That's when your faith, or lack thereof, is proven." That was something I definitely needed to hear again! I believe I have moved on. Yes, I still deal with feelings and lingering thoughts. But I can't be governed by that. I have to cast down those feelings and thoughts and not give place to them. I have to trust God, even though something doesn't make sense to me and I don't understand it. I don't have to understand everything. True faith trusts God no matter what things look like on the outside.

So, I have to move forward, cast down thoughts and feelings (sometimes almost constantly, all day long). I can honestly say, by God's grace, I am doing that quite successfully. It's amazing how free I feel since I let go of things. I felt challenged the other day...like God was asking me, "Do you really trust Me? Do you really believe that My plans for you are for good and not evil? To give you hope and a future? You speak that daily, but do you really believe it?" What am I going to say to that??? "No, God, I'm not sure I can trust You." How can I say that to Him? To the One who has NEVER failed me or left me or let me down. The ONLY one. My only option was to prove to Him I trust Him, by laying those things down once and for all.

Usually, asking why is never a good idea. But sometimes, when you least expect it...when you have moved on and let something go, you can be surprised with an answer. This happened to me. I got an answer. Not necessarily an answer that was easy to hear, but an answer nonetheless. But you know what? The answer opened my eyes. It proved what I have been telling myself for some time now. I recognize that I'm better off without something I wanted. I see things and recognize it wasn't good for me. God knew that all along. By God's grace, I was spared. Had I asked God to being with, I would have been spared even more. But as it is, I've been hearing so much about being led by the Spirit IN EVERYTHING. My heart desires that. My heart longs for God to be so big in me, that nothing moves me, nothing phases me. I know what I wanted was not God's best for me. It was a distraction. It wasted my time. But God is merciful. And even though I did what I wanted, God still protected me and brought me through it.

I don't mean to sound like a broken record...

There are so many thoughts floating around in my head. I know God has great things in store for me, things for me to walk in even right now. But it is definitely a battle to get in position for those things to come to pass in my life. It’s no surprise, because the Bible says “labor to enter into rest” and “fight the good fight of faith.” That means it is going to take work! It is going to take diligence. I find myself feeling weary and tired of fighting, but each and every day I remind myself of the things God has promised me. I know things are difficult right now because satan doesn’t want me to have the things God has for me. He doesn’t want me walking in those things. As weary as I feel at times, I won’t give up. I won’t quit. I know that the promises of God are on the other side of everything I am dealing with right now.

I am faced with my flesh, my emotions, my feelings, each and every day. And, multiple times a day, I have to say to myself that “NONE OF THESE THINGS MOVE ME.” (I know that is not what that scripture is technically referring to, but it fits.) I know what God said. My head may not understand, but it doesn’t have to. It will find out eventually. I don’t have to understand how or why, I simply have to BELIEVE.

I listened to Keith Moore’s series “Spirit Led” again. I need to play that over and over and over! It’s like everything he said in those messages is specifically for me. (I highly recommend them. Great stuff!) I realized, as I have so many times over the years, if I had simply listened to my Spirit, I would have been saved so many heartaches. Even now, the things I am dealing with, I see all the mistakes I made in situations and have so many regrets. “If I had just done this, or not done that, maybe things would be different.” I get angry at other people for what they did, but then I look back at myself and see all the things I did (or didn’t do). Then I feel like I have no right to be angry, and it is my fault.

I don’t remember if it was yesterday or today, but I know at one point, my mind was going back to a specific “issue” (as it so often has of late), and it hit me, “I have to forgive myself.” I realized I have not yet forgiven myself for the mistakes I made recently. But I have to forgive myself and LET IT GO. If I don’t, I will never be able to move forward. Whether or not someone else chooses to forgive me and move past something I did wrong is not my concern. If I know I messed up, all I can do is repent. So I’m hanging in there…keeping His Word before my face…reminding myself of His promises…saying what the Word says. I know that there are only good things ahead for me!

I spent the day with Keith Moore and it was AWESOME!

So there are some things I have written over the past month or so that I considered posting, but I'm not sure I should at this point. Yesterday was a rather quiet work day, so I thought about writing something, but I had no idea what to write about. Anyway, I ended up listening to quite a few messages online and I wrote this afterwards:

So today was a very quiet day at work. To remedy that, I went online and listened to two messages from earlier this year. I also listened to the word Joe Morris spoke to me as well as when he prayed over the staff during the 20^th anniversary meetings a couple years ago. Some things were brought to my remembrance and I got stirred up! I was so excited, and the things I listened to really encouraged me.

But it doesn’t stop there.

Keith Moore is one of my favorite ministers. I was sitting at my desk thinking about what I was going to listen to next. Then I thought, “Well, I haven’t listened to any of Keith Moore’s messages in a while, so I think I will go over to his website and see what I can find.” One of the very first series listed was “Spirit Led.” I thought that sounded like a good place to start, so I clicked on it.

Oh. My. Gosh.

It was 3 services from a meeting he did in Minnesota back in February. And it was EVERYTHING I needed to hear. It was so awesome! I realized, I was led by the Spirit to listen to teaching about being led by the Spirit! HA! How great is that? I listened to all 3 services and had church all by myself! There were so many things that ministered to me. I received correction, encouragement, and instruction. There is no way I can type all the things that I got out of those messages, but I will definitely be listening to them again!

God is really knocking my socks off these days and I LOVE IT!!!

I am telling you, those messages were awesome! There were so many things he said, and points he made. I want to write about them, but words fail me when I try to figure out where to begin. There were things he said that I have heard before, but they were presented in a way that was new to me. 

I know God is up to something. He's doing something in my life. Outside, things may look the same, but I'm not moved by that. I know change starts on the inside, and something's gotta give. God's Word is TRUTH and that is what I'm standing on. I don't care what others think about me or what they do or what they don't do, because my life is founded on HIM, and that is not going to change! Yes, I have made mistakes. Yes, I have messed things up in my life. But that is in the past. God has been working on me and I realized the other day, I no longer feel shame or condemnation over the things I have done. I'm still not proud of those things, but they have no hold on me anymore. God set me free from all that. It took awhile, but God is gracious and merciful. He still loves me and wants to "lead me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake."

My thoughts from a couple days ago...

"I’ll remind myself of all that You’ve done

And the life I have because of Your Son

Love came down and rescued me

Love came down and set me free

And I am Yours, I am forever Yours

Mountain high or valley low

I sing out, remind my soul

That I am Yours, I am forever Yours"

Sometimes, life is tough. Things don’t always work out the way you want. Sometimes, you have to FIGHT for what you want. I received some MAJOR encouragement a couple weeks ago. I was so blessed and excited. Yet, ever since then, things have been TOUGH. I’ve been struggling, and most of the struggle has been in my own mind, although it is due to outside circumstances. The other day, a verse came up in my spirit. I am going to share the Amplified version here, because the Amplified is probably my favorite translation.

Hebrews 4:10-11 - ¹⁰For he who has once entered [God’s] rest also has ceased from [the weariness and pain] of human labors, just as God rested from those labors peculiarly His own. ¹¹Let us therefore be zealous and exert ourselves and strive diligently to enter that rest [of God, to know and experience it for ourselves], that no one may fall or perish by the same kind of unbelief and disobedience [into which those in the wilderness fell].

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of strive is “to devote serious effort or energy :  endeavor” or “to struggle in opposition :  contend.” So basically, it is going to be a fight. We will have to FIGHT to enter into that rest. But once we enter it, oh how sweet it is! I realized, yes, I received an awesome word. Yes, God has GREAT things for me. But satan isn’t excited for me. He isn’t going to sit back and say, “Wow, Lisa! That’s great what God has for you! Enjoy it! Enjoy the Word!” If anything, he is going to be throwing stuff at me to KEEP me from receiving all that God has for me. He doesn’t want me joyful. He doesn’t want me to experience God’s fullness. So I have to fight. I have to put my flesh down. I have to take control of my mind and emotions. I have to resist the devil. The Bible promises that if I resist him, he WILL flee! (James 4:7)

I have been rather double-minded over the past week or so, and that is definitely not good! Like I said, the scripture from Hebrews came up in my spirit. I realized I needed to do SOMETHING to get my mind under control. I listened to some messages, read some mini books, and then I did some scripture confessions. I also spent time praying and singing songs to God. It is AMAZING how things calm down when you get your focus off of you and onto HIM! Now I know what I need to do. I REFUSE to let anything distract me or come between me and the promises of God!

The Answer to my Question...

Okay, so my last post wasn't the greatest. November was a VERY challenging month for me. I was dealing with a lot of different things and freaking out and just all around frustrated. Closer to Thanksgiving, I started to chill out a bit. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I was REALLY looking forward to it. This is the first Thanksgiving in a while that I did not think was great. I mean, it wasn't bad...but it wasn't great either.

Anyway. So I had a lot of free time over the holiday because I don't do the whole "Black Friday" thing and I hate the crowds and all that. I did a lot of thinking (which is probably my problem most of the time), and more praying than I have in a while. I was starting to feel better.

Sunday's church service was GREAT. Exactly what I needed. And it was like between Saturday and Sunday everything that had been weighing on my mind and stressing me out has just melted away. These first couple days of December have been the BEST days I have had in what feels like a long time! I have realized I need to let things go. I keep freaking out and feeling like a failure because I'm not walking in love or whatever. But God reminded me that I need to take things a day at a time. I keep looking back at the failures of yesterday and last week and feeling overwhelmed by that. But He spoke to me and said, "That was yesterday. That is in the past now. When you miss it, repent. Move on. You can't move forward if you keep looking back."

Of course I need to walk in love and be nice to people and all that, but if I miss it, I can't beat myself up over it. I need to honestly repent and move forward. I need to quit looking back at the failures of yesterday and focus on what is in front of me. Focus on doing the right thing right now. I am actually excited again about the future and what God has for me. I'm not worried about messing things up or doing something wrong. I feel free again to just be me. God is so amazing!

Can I be real?

I have really been struggling lately. In less than a month and a half, I will turn 30. I am really excited about that! Yet, the closer it gets, the harder it gets. I always imagined what my life would be like when I turned 30, and I am NO WHERE NEAR what I thought. I have been so excited to turn 30 because my 20s pretty much sucked. I mean, not ALL of my 20s were bad. Things got progressively better over the last couple of years, but it still wasn’t what I expected. 

I have to remind myself that when I turn 30, my problems won’t automatically be solved nor will I suddenly have all this wisdom and be perfect. I think I have that kind of expectation. The older I get, the harder some things seem to be. I think I ought to be used to certain things or able to handle situations better since I have been through it before. But I’m not. 

The past two years, I have been largely happy being single. I preferred it that way. Occasionally I got wistful; but overall, I was fine. Not so this year. I feel like I ruin relationships with men. I try so hard to be this perfect woman so they will love me and we can live happily ever after. But I’m not perfect. In trying to be perfect, I’m not being myself. I either say/do things I shouldn’t, or not say/do things I should. It’s like I get everything backwards. It shouldn’t be this difficult, should it? I mean, no one else is perfect. The men I have liked definitely weren’t. So why do I feel like I have to be? Why do I TRY to be? It is one thing to know you need work in different areas. It is another thing entirely to beat yourself up over those things and constantly freak out when you feel like you are messing something up.

So what if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time? So what I’m “too quiet” sometimes? (And yes, that does happen…just like being too loud sometimes.) Why is it so difficult to just accept and love myself and know that God loves me too much to leave me the way I am? Why is it so difficult to just “enjoy the ride”? Why is it so difficult for me to focus on the good and let go of the bad? Or to move on from something – even if it is something I wanted – because maybe it isn’t God’s best for me? Why can’t I just let go?

My Thoughts of the Day

I tell people I'm okay being single and I really am! But that doesn't mean the desire to be married is gone. It means I try not to focus on it too much.

In spending some time worshiping and praying, one of the songs I was listening to really hit home with me. I knew in a minute that I still struggle. It's like my eyes were opened to see something about myself. There is still a part of me that feels like I'm not good or pretty enough. I realize that I still focus too much on my flaws - physical and otherwise. But I have to get over that 100% if I want to go further. If I want to accomplish all God has for me, I have to get over myself and quit comparing myself to other people.

He bought me...He paid the highest price for me. He set me free even from these feelings. He sees past my flaws and sees beauty. HE FINDS ME BEAUTIFUL!

There is the fear of no one wanting me. After all, I'm almost 30! But truth is, I'm accepted and loved by the only one who really matters. I may feel like a failure sometimes, but He NEVER fails and He is on my side!

I've been hurt in the past, and when I look to the future, those hurts resurface in the forms of fear and unworthiness. But it's all a lie. God always brings me back to Psalm 45:11 - "So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him." When I think of that scripture, God speaks to my heart, "I'm your king. I see you as beautiful. Worship ME. Focus on ME." It brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. His words make me feel alive and FREE.

And I will close with another scripture - 1 John 4:16a (AMP) - "And we know (understand, recognize, are conscious of, by observation and experience) and believe (adhere to and put faith in and rely on) the love God cherishes for us."

A Little Bit of Everything

Well, we are experiencing some fall weather currently. YAY FOR FALL!!! I really enjoy fall weather...still warm, but a nice breeze...cool evenings..."these are a few of my favorite things!"

I think I say it every year, but fall/winter are my favorite times of the year. That is the time when I feel most alive. The first day we get a touch of fall weather, I always feel like I am waking up from a long slumber and finally noticing everything around me. I don't know what it is...but I like it.

Now with that said, I need some help! I don't understand what is going on with me these days. Things happen and I get agitated...or rather, irritated. I feel like I get frustrated so easily. I don't remember ever being this bad. It seems like it is getting worse. I believe the root of my irritation/frustration is basically "Me." Meaning: this is interrupting my plans; this is inconveniencing me; etc., etc. I know I can be selfish, but since when was it so bad? I've had to tell myself, "It's not about me!" about 25 times today. JUST TODAY!!! 

But I wonder...have I always been this bad and I'm just now noticing it? Or am I having that attitude more than I used to? Either way, it's not really a good thing. As much as it comes to my attention, I should be getting better. I should be whipping bad attitudes instead of them whipping me. So either way, I get weary. I don't say tired on purpose. "Tired" doesn't seem to be the right word. "Weary", yes. Because I'm not physically tired with all this, it's more of a mental tiredness. I wish I could drop everything and go to the mountains. I've never been, but I've heard it's beautiful and I've seen plenty of pictures. Sometimes I feel that if I could get away by myself, it would do me some good. But then again, maybe not.

This is what happens when it rains...

                So today is one of those days…one of those days where my mind goes a million miles an hour, thinking about things I know I shouldn’t be.

                I went to see Courageous last night with some friends. It was a very good movie. It made the desire I have for a Godly husband that much stronger. I know marriage isn’t the answer to my problems…that it will bring entirely new problems into my life. But I also know that if I have a man who is committed to God first and foremost, and is willing to be the spiritual head of our household, marriage will be an amazing experience.

                I tend to get impatient about a lot of things, especially concerning marriage. I tend to rush when I meet someone because I want that so badly that I don’t even stop to ask God what He thinks. Then I end up hurting and angry. Truth is, I’ve known better than to try and date most of the guys that I did because I knew they weren’t right. They may believe in God, and may even be Christians, but all in all, I knew they weren’t where I wanted my husband to be spiritually. That should have been my key to turn around and run, but I didn’t. So God let me decide for myself and I ended up miserable.

                But I don’t want to settle. I want someone who will seek God and love God more than he loves me. I want a man who is determined our house will live for God. I want a man who will put family before work and anything else, because he knows what matters most. I’ve always wanted a man who would understand that and put me and our children before work. That he wouldn’t be so busy trying to make money to afford STUFF that he would forget what really matters…like recitals, games, just doing things as a family.

                So many times I feel like there is something wrong with me because I’m about to be 28 and I’m still single, but I’m finally beginning to realize…it’s worth it to wait for what I really want, than to settle for less than God’s best. Because He knows the desires of my heart…my desire for a Godly man…and He can find the right guy and send him my way! I just have to believe and keep my eyes on Him!

Just a thought...

There are some things I haven't necessarily dreamt of doing, but I have thought somewhat seriously about them.

Along a similar, although somewhat different line, I really don't believe we have much time left here. The way things are going in this world, I really believe Jesus is coming back soon. With that said, I know there are things He has spoken to me about His plan for my life. I know I've made lots of mistakes, but I firmly believe my mistakes have not negated those plans. I believe He still wants me to do whatever it is He has called me to do. (I know general things, the specifics are what elude me.) So with all that said, I'm thinking some things are gonna have to start popping! I curious to see how the rest of this year goes, as well as next!

I pray that when opportunities come way I will seize them and not shrink back in fear. I pray that if I need to take a step of faith, that I will know when and how.

And that brings me back to my first statement...there are things I used to think about when I was younger, though I didn't necessarily consider them "dreams." And I have since written them off. But now I'm beginning to think maybe they aren't impossible like they seem...

My 10 Year Anniversary

Ten years ago today, my life took a turn that would change me forever.

Around the beginning of 2001, something happened. I don’t remember exactly how or when, but I knew things weren’t right. It scared me. So I ignored it, hoping it would go away.

It didn’t. My mom found out and set up an appointment for me to see a doctor. I went periodically so they could do blood work and make sure I was doing okay. I was given a prescription to help me get better. I rarely, if ever, took the prescription. The pills I was given had to be swallowed whole. I had struggled with swallowing pills since I was in 3^rd or 4^th grade. It was a mental issue, but I had yet to beat it. So I got progressively worse and worse, not really understanding or knowing what was wrong with me. My doctor appointments became more frequent to the point I was going every week.

On Monday, September 10, 2001, I went to see my doctor as usual. I had to wait for them to get my blood work back, which had become the norm. When the doctor came back in with the results, she told me she was admitting me to the hospital. She said that she could send me home, hoping I’d get better over the following week, but that my hemoglobin had dropped 3 points in one week, from 10 to 7. Odds were it would drop another 3 points, and I wouldn’t see her the next week because I’d be dead.

At the age of 17, that was a shock for me to hear. So I was admitted to Enterprise Medical Center. Tuesday, September 11^th, we all know what happened that morning. So while the United States was in turmoil, I was in a hospital, waiting on a blood transfusion to save my life. I was transferred to UAB Hospital on Wednesday. I had IVs, tests, blood drawn 3 times a day, all that fun stuff. It was a trying week for me, but God was still there with me through it all. The doctor who checked on me every morning (with all his interns or whatever they were), asked me if I had experienced any pain. I told him how I would lay on the sofa, curled up in a ball, because it hurt so bad. It literally felt like someone had set my insides on fire. It was unbearable…I had never felt pain like that before…or since, for that matter. Whenever it started hurting, I’d pray to God to either take me home or take the pain away, because I couldn’t stand it. I would hide my face so my family wouldn’t know the pain I felt and I would silently cry…begging to be set free from the agony. Without fail, after a couple minutes, the pain would go away. I told the doctor it would go away, just didn’t tell him why. He was stunned. He said, “I’ve never heard that before! As bad off as you are, the pain is normal. But it’s a constant thing. Someone in your situation should be feeling pain like that, but it doesn’t just stop.” When he told me that, I realized that God really was with me, as if I didn’t already know. I just wish I would have told him the truth.

There was another day they had to give me a special IV. I don’t remember what it was or what it did, but the nurse told me that it would burn. The burning sensation would last the whole time, and it took about 45 minutes for the whole process to be complete. But as she was setting things up, she looked at me and said, “May I pray for you?” I told her yes. She prayed that the IV would not burn like it should. Then she really got going and started praying in tongues! I was so thankful for the great nurses I had, especially her, a believer who knew the power of God! When she started the IV, it burned the minute it hit my vein. She held my hand and thanked God and it quit burning. It never burned again while that liquid ran into my arm. That was another eye-opening moment for me.

I thank God for the great nurses I had at UAB. He surrounded me with people who really cared, especially that sweet black lady who wasn’t afraid to step out and pray for me! While at UAB, I had to learn how to swallow pills, too. One day, I had another really sweet nurse. I don’t know if she was a Christian or not, but she came in and worked with me and really helped me to overcome the whole mental block I had concerning swallowing pills. She was patient and took the extra time to help me.

Also while I was there, I met a specialist, who was going to be my doctor. She was the one I would have to visit periodically to make sure everything was still going well. She came in and explained everything to me. She told me I had ulcerative colitis…a disease that could not be cured, but could be controlled. She was a nice doctor, and all the times I saw her I felt like she really had my best interest at heart, but that first day I met her, when she told me that, I couldn’t agree. I stayed calm on the outside, listening to everything she told me, but on the inside, it’s like my spirit jumped up and screamed, “NO! I will NOT live with this! I won’t have to put up with it for the rest of my life! I know a doctor who can cure ANYTHING!”

Finally, a week after I was admitted to EMC, I was released from UAB. They had to weigh me before I left, for my records. I was 99 pounds. Let me tell you, at 99 pounds, I looked like I should be dead. (Some of you know this, as I actually weighed in at 97 last year when I got really sick around this time.) Even though I finally got to go home, and seemingly the worst was behind me, the battle was just beginning.

I had to deal with depression. I had never been depressed in my life. I was only 17 for crying out loud! I wished I had died instead of surviving. I didn’t think life was worth it. Things got better when I was accepted to UA, but the excitement of change just masked what I was dealing with. The depression reared its ugly head again during the summer of 2003. I decided to take summer classes because I didn’t want to have to stay an extra semester, and I knew I had to do an internship the summer before my senior year. I dealt with a lot of stuff that summer, and found myself, once again, wishing I wasn’t alive. I didn’t see a point. I didn’t think it was worth it. I had forgotten about how God brought me through everything and all the ways He proved how much He loved me. One night in my room, I was crying. He got stern with me…corrected me. But it broke that depression off of me and I KNEW I’d been set free!

Satan has tried to put it back on me, and there are times I almost gave in. But every time it gets easier. Satan actually tried to give me those same thoughts not too long ago. “Life isn’t worth it. I’m not worth it.” The minute the thought hit me, I started laughing! “Satan, you can’t be serious! God knows everything about me…the good, the bad, the ugly, and He STILL showers me with His love in ways I could never earn or deserve! How in the world can I dare to think I’m not worth it???” That’s one of the things God said to me, actually. He reminded me how He sent Jesus to die FOR ME. Then He made me realize that, basically, what I was saying was that Jesus died in vain. That the ultimate sacrifice was a waste. How could I ever look at the cross and doubt that God really, truly LOVES me? There’s no way!

There are so many more things that tie into this story…MY story. But obviously there’s too much to keep it short. I have shared some stuff with different people, but I have kept pretty silent about most of it. I know God has plans for me, and I think it’s time I start stepping out more. I know this is just a blog, and it’s a toss-up of how many people will actually read it, especially since it’s really long. But at least it’s a start.

WARNING: Long Post! I've Got A Lot To Say!

Last night I was so tired, I was in bed by 8:45. However, once I was in bed, I suddenly couldn't fall asleep. I felt wide awake and my mind was moving quickly. I have seen a couple posts here and there about how next month is going to be 10 years since the attack on the World Trade Centers. That means that next month will be a 10 year anniversary of my own. I have started thinking about a blog marking my anniversary, and I have even jotted down some ideas of what I want to focus on in said blog. I actually got up last night (since I couldn't sleep) and wrote for 30 minutes.

I wrote as the thoughts flowed. I will not post exactly what I wrote. But I realized there are so many things I want to say. So many things that I have kept inside. I have a testimony, yet when have I ever stepped out and shared it? I have shared some things with different people, but I do not think there is a single person I have shared HALF of what happened with them. But now I am getting off topic. That is a blog for another day.

There are so many things STILL flooding my mind. I want to be more like God. I want to please Him. I decided about two months ago that I was going to walk in love. And here I am...failing more than I am succeeding, apparently. At least that's the way it appears to me. I'm learning SO MUCH and the cry of my heart is that I will be a DOER of the Word and not just a hearer.

I sit and think when I'm alone, "God! I'm so frustrated! I know I'm supposed to be walking in love but this person did this...that person did that...it hurts!" I constantly...daily...hear things come out of my mouth that shouldn't. It seems like a vicious cycle. BUT...God still loves me. He hasn't given up on me, so how can I give up on myself? I feel like I'm so far from where I should be, but then I remember where I was. Maybe it's harder because I'm more aware of those things that need to change than I was before. I'm seeking God more and seeing how much I fall short of what He is. BUT...I say that with this revelation...that GOD has done everything for me that I need to be like Him. I see how much I fall short, but that should only serve as a reminder of His GRACE and MERCY that He provides for me EVERY DAY. That no matter what I do to try and be better, works will never get me there. Only His love and forgiveness can do that.

I say all this because my emotions are still my biggest enemy. And that ties directly into my endeavor to walk in love. I listened to a message by Keith Moore on Tuesday entitled "Love Seeks Not Its Own". The whole time I was listening, I felt like I was getting a good ole' fashioned spanking! That message HURT! It was NOT easy to hear. But I NEEDED it. "God corrects those He loves." (Heb. 12:6) But even after hearing that message, and it smarting like it did, I knew in my spirit God wasn't ANGRY with me. He knew I needed to hear it. It isn't the first time He has had to be a little harsh with me. And yet, the first time I really remember God being harsh with me, is one of the most precious times I can remember. However, that is, yet again, for another blog. This is a very important issue, one that I need to learn and get settled NOW. It's not easy, but I believe I AM growing. Though it may not always seem like I am, I have to believe it.

It gets tiring, keeping the flesh and emotions under all the time! But OH! Will it be worth it! One day I WILL look back and say, "Thank you, GOD, for not giving up on me! It was a struggle! I made it harder than it should have been, but it was worth the effort!" And that day will be SOON! (Not saying I will be perfect, but I have faith that I will see change sooner than later!)

This year has been a turning point for me. I know God has so much for me, and I will NOT let up until I have everything He has for me! I want my life to please Him! Without Him, my life is meaningless. I know by the end of this year, I WILL BE different! I will grow in the months ahead and start out next year stronger than ever! No devil in hell...no piddling emotions...no weak flesh...is going to keep me from getting ALL God has for me THIS YEAR!

I'm excited for when I look back at this point in my life and see how awesome God is and all He has done for me!