Beautiful

I was talking with a friend the other evening. They said something that brought a thought to my mind. In that moment, I felt - I KNEW - God thinks I'm beautiful. And I FELT beautiful. 

It amazes me how I can be so confident of something at one moment, and then in the next moment, doubt or question that exact same thing. One moment I feel like an absolute failure and that I mess up everything I do. Then God tells me - SHOWS ME - how beautiful I am. 

We weren't even talking about that specifically, but an image rose up in my spirit. It's like I actually "saw" what God sees when He looks at me. I was amazed. 

I am in awe of this Creator who did all these things FOR ME, because He loves ME. How can I ever turn away from such love? Why would I ever want to? I don't. 

The Answer to my Question...

Okay, so my last post wasn't the greatest. November was a VERY challenging month for me. I was dealing with a lot of different things and freaking out and just all around frustrated. Closer to Thanksgiving, I started to chill out a bit. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I was REALLY looking forward to it. This is the first Thanksgiving in a while that I did not think was great. I mean, it wasn't bad...but it wasn't great either.

Anyway. So I had a lot of free time over the holiday because I don't do the whole "Black Friday" thing and I hate the crowds and all that. I did a lot of thinking (which is probably my problem most of the time), and more praying than I have in a while. I was starting to feel better.

Sunday's church service was GREAT. Exactly what I needed. And it was like between Saturday and Sunday everything that had been weighing on my mind and stressing me out has just melted away. These first couple days of December have been the BEST days I have had in what feels like a long time! I have realized I need to let things go. I keep freaking out and feeling like a failure because I'm not walking in love or whatever. But God reminded me that I need to take things a day at a time. I keep looking back at the failures of yesterday and last week and feeling overwhelmed by that. But He spoke to me and said, "That was yesterday. That is in the past now. When you miss it, repent. Move on. You can't move forward if you keep looking back."

Of course I need to walk in love and be nice to people and all that, but if I miss it, I can't beat myself up over it. I need to honestly repent and move forward. I need to quit looking back at the failures of yesterday and focus on what is in front of me. Focus on doing the right thing right now. I am actually excited again about the future and what God has for me. I'm not worried about messing things up or doing something wrong. I feel free again to just be me. God is so amazing!

Can I be real?

I have really been struggling lately. In less than a month and a half, I will turn 30. I am really excited about that! Yet, the closer it gets, the harder it gets. I always imagined what my life would be like when I turned 30, and I am NO WHERE NEAR what I thought. I have been so excited to turn 30 because my 20s pretty much sucked. I mean, not ALL of my 20s were bad. Things got progressively better over the last couple of years, but it still wasn’t what I expected. 

I have to remind myself that when I turn 30, my problems won’t automatically be solved nor will I suddenly have all this wisdom and be perfect. I think I have that kind of expectation. The older I get, the harder some things seem to be. I think I ought to be used to certain things or able to handle situations better since I have been through it before. But I’m not. 

The past two years, I have been largely happy being single. I preferred it that way. Occasionally I got wistful; but overall, I was fine. Not so this year. I feel like I ruin relationships with men. I try so hard to be this perfect woman so they will love me and we can live happily ever after. But I’m not perfect. In trying to be perfect, I’m not being myself. I either say/do things I shouldn’t, or not say/do things I should. It’s like I get everything backwards. It shouldn’t be this difficult, should it? I mean, no one else is perfect. The men I have liked definitely weren’t. So why do I feel like I have to be? Why do I TRY to be? It is one thing to know you need work in different areas. It is another thing entirely to beat yourself up over those things and constantly freak out when you feel like you are messing something up.

So what if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time? So what I’m “too quiet” sometimes? (And yes, that does happen…just like being too loud sometimes.) Why is it so difficult to just accept and love myself and know that God loves me too much to leave me the way I am? Why is it so difficult to just “enjoy the ride”? Why is it so difficult for me to focus on the good and let go of the bad? Or to move on from something – even if it is something I wanted – because maybe it isn’t God’s best for me? Why can’t I just let go?

My Anniversary

Today is my anniversary. Twelve years ago today, the bottom dropped out and my world flipped upside down.

When the doctor came into the exam room and told me I had to go to the hospital or I would be dead within a week, I was shocked. As a 17 year old, you don't expect to hear that. I knew I was sick, I just didn't know I was that sick. It scared me. It had been a miserable couple of months, and that day was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back."

I ended up spending a week in the hospital - undergoing tests, having blood drawn, IVs stuck in me constantly, and a blood transfusion as well. But in the midst of all the misery, God still showed Himself strong on my behalf. There were a couple of times when something, seemingly small, happened or was said that showed me God had not abandoned me. After that, when I struggled with depression, He still never gave up or left me. He was always there for me.

I have made plenty of mistakes since then that I seriously regret. He has proved time and time again that He will never give up on me, even if I give up on myself. He has proved His love for me. He has forgiven me for all of those mistakes and has renewed my hope for the future.

Without Him, I would not be here today. So today is my anniversary...not for the bad things that happened, but for the good that has come out of them.

My Thoughts of the Day

I tell people I'm okay being single and I really am! But that doesn't mean the desire to be married is gone. It means I try not to focus on it too much.

In spending some time worshiping and praying, one of the songs I was listening to really hit home with me. I knew in a minute that I still struggle. It's like my eyes were opened to see something about myself. There is still a part of me that feels like I'm not good or pretty enough. I realize that I still focus too much on my flaws - physical and otherwise. But I have to get over that 100% if I want to go further. If I want to accomplish all God has for me, I have to get over myself and quit comparing myself to other people.

He bought me...He paid the highest price for me. He set me free even from these feelings. He sees past my flaws and sees beauty. HE FINDS ME BEAUTIFUL!

There is the fear of no one wanting me. After all, I'm almost 30! But truth is, I'm accepted and loved by the only one who really matters. I may feel like a failure sometimes, but He NEVER fails and He is on my side!

I've been hurt in the past, and when I look to the future, those hurts resurface in the forms of fear and unworthiness. But it's all a lie. God always brings me back to Psalm 45:11 - "So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him." When I think of that scripture, God speaks to my heart, "I'm your king. I see you as beautiful. Worship ME. Focus on ME." It brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. His words make me feel alive and FREE.

And I will close with another scripture - 1 John 4:16a (AMP) - "And we know (understand, recognize, are conscious of, by observation and experience) and believe (adhere to and put faith in and rely on) the love God cherishes for us."