A New Perspective

               These days, I have been trying to focus on God, spend more time with Him, that sort of thing. I want my relationship with God to be more real. I want it to actually be the most important relationship in my life. I want God to be more than just someone I run to when I have a problem. I was reading a book that talked about a relationship with God being more fulfilling than a relationship with a man. I’ve heard things like that my whole life, but being older, it seems impossible. But my eyes are being opened to realize it is possible. But more than being possible, it is necessary.

               So for that reason, I have been really focusing on watching my thoughts. I have always been a big daydreamer, and I’m sure that has caused a lot of my problems. I’ve been talking to God about these things, and also telling Him what I want my relationship with Him to be like. I can’t say that is based on any scripture, but a real relationship is like that, right? In a human relationship, I would (or ought to) communicate to another person what I want and what I want to see in the future, discussing direction and goals and dreams. So why not with God?

               My thoughts for the past couple weeks have been consumed (I know, strong word, but very truthful in this instance) with this. I have really been looking inward, seeing things that need to be changed, and giving areas previously withheld over to God. Time is running out and I’m fed up with getting out of a rut only to fall back into it a year or two later. It has been challenging, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

               So, in the attempt to “clean up” my thought life, I have really been attempting to put a stop to all the daydreams that get me stuck in those ruts. One night, while I was talking to God and focusing my thoughts on Him, a passage of scripture came up in my spirit. I remembered the story of when Jesus spoke to the Pharisees and told them about unclean spirits. He said the unclean spirit leaves a man, looks for a new place, and doesn’t find one. So he goes back to the house where he came from and “finds it empty, swept, and put in order.” Then he goes and finds 7 spirits even more evil than himself and they enter there and “the last state of that man is worse than the first.” (Matthew 12:43-45)

After I was reminded of that passage, it came up in my spirit, “If you get rid of those daydreams, what will you replace them with?” I had never thought of that before. I never thought there was really any alternative. Then I felt God speak to me, “Dream of me. Think about me.” It was kind of strange for me. I felt like that was sacrilegious or “crazy.” Daydream about God? You can’t be serious! That’s weird! But is it?

Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” That sounds like a rather intimate type of moment to me.

I like writing. I always have. Lately, I haven’t been able to sit down and start writing a story start to finish. In my daydreaming, I’d envision different circumstances, and then I’d sit down and write them out. I keep all these vignettes in a notebook. There is no order or real coherence to them, I just write them down as they come. I figure if I keep them together in one place, maybe one day, they will fit together somehow (or with some changes here and there) and become a book. I may not use all of them, but perhaps some of them.

Well, when God spoke to me about focusing my daydreaming on Him, I felt prompted to write a vignette like that. So finally, the other evening, I took time and really thought about the longing and desire I have for a real, intimate relationship with someone. Instead of thinking about meeting someone, I thought about what it might be like if God was physically here, and I could spend time with Him. What would that look like? What would that be like? I wrote down what I thought about that moment, and I want to share that with you.

The sun was shining. It was a perfect day. As she reached the end of the path and the trees gave way, she saw him sitting there, at the same picnic table, waiting for her. She got excited when she saw him. Her face broke into a smile and she made her way over to him.

   “I’m so glad you came to see me today,” he told her.

   “When you called, there was no way I could refuse. I didn’t see you yesterday, and I missed you,” she spoke honestly.

   “I missed you more,” he said. “But you are here now, and that is all that matters.”

   She sat down in his lap and he put his arms around her and held her. She told him all about her day and everything that happened. He listened quietly, stroking her hair. She couldn’t help herself. She poured everything out, even admitted to feelings that made her feel like a failure. She was a tad scared and she didn’t look at his face, because she couldn’t bear to see disapproval there.

   But she didn’t sense any disapproval. All she felt was love. It enveloped her. She felt it down in her soul. There was peace and comfort in his arms, not judgment.

   “I could have helped you. I wish you would have let me help you.” His tone was not harsh or condemning, but almost wistful.

   “I know. But I felt like it was such a small thing and that I ought to be able to handle it on my own.”

   “It’s not a matter of whether you are able to handle it or not. It’s about the fact that I don’t want you to handle it. I want to take care of you. I want to help you. I never want you to carry any burden. You are strong, but I am stronger. I don’t want you taking care of anything that I can do for you.”

   She was in awe of him. His love was evident in every word, every look, and every mannerism. How could she have gone a day without speaking to him? How could she ever refuse him when he made her feel the way he did? Then she was embarrassed by her selfishness. Her thoughts were all about what HE did for HER. But that’s what drew her to him. That’s why she loved him. She couldn’t deny that. If he did not pursue her, if he did not care for her the way he did, she would not love him that much. Her love wasn’t perfect like his.

   “Nothing gives me more pleasure than you being here with me, spending time with me.”

   She felt unworthy. “I don’t understand why you say things like that. After all the times I’ve neglected you, let you down. How can you say that?”

   “Because I love you.”

   “I know, but…”

   “There are no ‘buts.’ I love you. Nothing will ever change that. I want you.”

   She wanted to cry. She had done so many things to hurt him, yet he still loved her. He still waited for her. He still wanted her. No one else had ever been so forgiving. But he did more than forgive…he forgot.

               I know some of this may sound strange. Believe me; it is not easy for me to share this. There are other things that I have seen over the past week from doing research that I have written down. I have not shared all those things yet because I feel awkward sharing them. But this is something that is so big in me right now. These are things I have heard my whole life and I am now, FINALLY, at the age of 30, beginning to understand and grasp them. When I think of all the years I have wasted by not learning these things…all the people I have hurt along the way because I did not truly understand these things…it makes me sad. But God is merciful. He can restore. He can mend.

               His love is real. Like in the vignette, I feel like it is selfish of me to think about God in the sense of what He does for me. 1 John 4:10 says, “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”

A Little Piece of Me

There are so many times I want to sit down and write something. I get bits and pieces. Usually just one page worth of inspiration. Then I end up with 50 random sheets of paper with different thoughts that I have no idea what to do with.

I've always wanted to write something that would/could be published. I've never really told anyone that, but it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. Problem is, I'm not sure how to go about making that happen. The truth is, I have always loved writing and I'm inclined to think that God must have put that in me for some reason...but I'm not sure what to do with it.

Maybe I should hold on to any random pieces of paper I find when I clean stuff out. Inevitably, whenever I go through stacks of stuff, I find at least five. I usually look at them and throw them away. I think maybe they are like puzzle pieces, and one day I will have enough to put them all together. But then I re-read them and think, "How in the world could all of these go together?" Then I throw them out.

Maybe from now I'll hang on to all of them...keep them in a folder or something. Because maybe those sheets are just like my life...I'm constantly getting bits and pieces from God that don't always make sense. But they really are puzzle pieces. I may not see how they all go together, but one day, when I'm finished with everything He has given me, I will look back and see the whole picture and finally understand how all the pieces fit together.

Perhaps I need a little more patience and faith...patience to know that anything worth doing usually isn't finished overnight...and faith that one day I will look over everything and finally see how it can all fit together to create something that will touch someone's life.

I'm such a sap...

So today was another great day. (Note the sarcasm.)

Dealt with all kinds of thoughts, as well as LOTS of work. Still don't feel like I've made much headway in that department. I thought when I added more hours, it would give me more time to get all this end of year stuff done earlier...I didn't realize even MORE work would appear to keep me from getting practically anything accomplished. I had such high hopes of starting the new year off right...with a cleaned up office, new computer up and running, etc., etc. So far, it looks like a lot of that will have to wait.

Anyway. Back to the point...

I've always LOVED writing.  And when I say writing, I mean fictional stories. I used to spend my class periods (when I attended an actual school) writing stories. My best friend at the last school I attended (for 7th-9th grades) also loved to write. So we would read each other's stories during class and then give each other feedback. "This sounded weird...Maybe you should say something about this..."  That kind of stuff. It was great. I still love writing, but it has been a VERY long time since I've been able to sit down and actually get anywhere.  I can be taking a shower or putting on my makeup and be carrying on this inner dialogue...creating a whole story between characters. But when I sit down to put it on paper (or type it out on the computer), it always leaves me and I have nothing.

Well, I had a story come to me this evening. I sat down to write, but it just wasn't happening. Then I got on the computer and started to type. I've been balling like a baby. It's so sad to me! I know, I know..."Then why write a sad story?" It's not that I intend to. I had a great plot all going and then it just took a turn in that direction. Maybe because it made things more dramatic? Or maybe it was because life really isn't like the movies. Everything doesn't always have a happy ending. And since I've been dealing with quite a bit of that myself lately, I relate to it more? I don't know.

But despite the fact it's sad, it could turn out to be a good story if I could finish it, because there are some really good points I can make in it. But that does seem to be the hard part for me - finishing it! I actually started writing in the middle, because I felt if I tried to start from the beginning, I'd lose it and not get anywhere. So I started right where I was and I'm moving toward the end, then hopefully I'll be able to go back and write the beginning.