These days,
I have been trying to focus on God, spend more time with Him, that sort of
thing. I want my relationship with God to be more real. I want it to actually
be the most important relationship in my life. I want God to be more than just
someone I run to when I have a problem. I was reading a book that talked about
a relationship with God being more fulfilling than a relationship with a man. I’ve
heard things like that my whole life, but being older, it seems impossible. But
my eyes are being opened to realize it is possible. But more than being
possible, it is necessary.
So for that reason, I have been
really focusing on watching my thoughts. I have always been a big daydreamer,
and I’m sure that has caused a lot of my problems. I’ve been talking to God about
these things, and also telling Him what I want my relationship with Him to be
like. I can’t say that is based on any scripture, but a real relationship is
like that, right? In a human relationship, I would (or ought to) communicate to
another person what I want and what I want to see in the future, discussing
direction and goals and dreams. So why not with God?
My thoughts for the past couple
weeks have been consumed (I know, strong word, but very truthful in this
instance) with this. I have really been looking inward, seeing things that need
to be changed, and giving areas previously withheld over to God. Time is
running out and I’m fed up with getting out of a rut only to fall back into it
a year or two later. It has been challenging, but I know it will be worth it in
the end.
So, in the attempt to “clean up”
my thought life, I have really been attempting to put a stop to all the
daydreams that get me stuck in those ruts. One night, while I was talking to
God and focusing my thoughts on Him, a passage of scripture came up in my
spirit. I remembered the story of when Jesus spoke to the Pharisees and told
them about unclean spirits. He said the unclean spirit leaves a man, looks for
a new place, and doesn’t find one. So he goes back to the house where he came
from and “finds it empty, swept, and put in order.” Then he goes and finds 7
spirits even more evil than himself and they enter there and “the last state of
that man is worse than the first.” (Matthew 12:43-45)
After I was reminded of that passage, it came up in my spirit, “If you
get rid of those daydreams, what will you replace them with?” I had never
thought of that before. I never
thought there was really any alternative. Then I felt God speak to me, “Dream
of me. Think about me.” It was kind of strange for me. I felt like that was sacrilegious
or “crazy.” Daydream about God? You can’t
be serious! That’s weird! But is it?
Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One,
will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His
love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” That sounds like a rather
intimate type of moment to me.
I like writing. I always have. Lately, I haven’t been able to sit down
and start writing a story start to finish. In my daydreaming, I’d envision
different circumstances, and then I’d sit down and write them out. I keep all
these vignettes in a notebook. There is no order or real coherence to them, I
just write them down as they come. I figure if I keep them together in one
place, maybe one day, they will fit together somehow (or with some changes here
and there) and become a book. I may not use all of them, but perhaps some of
them.
Well, when God spoke to me about focusing my daydreaming on Him, I felt
prompted to write a vignette like that. So finally, the other evening, I took
time and really thought about the longing and desire I have for a real,
intimate relationship with someone. Instead of thinking about meeting someone,
I thought about what it might be like if God was physically here, and I could spend time with Him. What would that
look like? What would that be like? I wrote down what I thought about that
moment, and I want to share that with you.
The sun was shining. It was a perfect day. As she
reached the end of the path and the trees gave way, she saw him sitting there,
at the same picnic table, waiting for her. She got excited when she saw him.
Her face broke into a smile and she made her way over to him.
“I’m so glad
you came to see me today,” he told her.
“When you
called, there was no way I could refuse. I didn’t see you yesterday, and I
missed you,” she spoke honestly.
“I missed you
more,” he said. “But you are here now, and that is all that matters.”
She sat down
in his lap and he put his arms around her and held her. She told him all about
her day and everything that happened. He listened quietly, stroking her hair.
She couldn’t help herself. She poured everything out, even admitted to feelings
that made her feel like a failure. She was a tad scared and she didn’t look at
his face, because she couldn’t bear to see disapproval there.
But she didn’t
sense any disapproval. All she felt was love. It enveloped her. She felt it down
in her soul. There was peace and comfort in his arms, not judgment.
“I could have
helped you. I wish you would have let me help you.” His tone was not harsh or
condemning, but almost wistful.
“I know. But I
felt like it was such a small thing and that I ought to be able to handle it on
my own.”
“It’s not a
matter of whether you are able to
handle it or not. It’s about the fact that I don’t want you to handle it. I want to take care of you. I want to help you.
I never want you to carry any burden. You are strong, but I am stronger. I
don’t want you taking care of anything that I can do for you.”
She was in awe
of him. His love was evident in every word, every look, and every mannerism.
How could she have gone a day without speaking to him? How could she ever
refuse him when he made her feel the way he did? Then she was embarrassed by
her selfishness. Her thoughts were all about what HE did for HER. But that’s
what drew her to him. That’s why she
loved him. She couldn’t deny that. If he did not pursue her, if he did not care
for her the way he did, she would not love him that much. Her love wasn’t
perfect like his.
“Nothing gives
me more pleasure than you being here with me, spending time with me.”
She felt
unworthy. “I don’t understand why you say things like that. After all the times
I’ve neglected you, let you down. How can you say that?”
“Because I
love you.”
“I know, but…”
“There are no
‘buts.’ I love you. Nothing will ever change that. I want you.”
She wanted to
cry. She had done so many things to hurt him, yet he still loved her. He still
waited for her. He still wanted her. No one else had ever been so forgiving.
But he did more than forgive…he forgot.
I know some of this
may sound strange. Believe me; it is not easy for me to share this. There are
other things that I have seen over the past week from doing research that I
have written down. I have not shared all those things yet because I feel
awkward sharing them. But this is something that is so big in me right now. These
are things I have heard my whole life and I am now, FINALLY, at the age of 30, beginning to understand and grasp them.
When I think of all the years I have wasted by not learning these things…all the people I have hurt along the way
because I did not truly understand these things…it makes me sad. But God is
merciful. He can restore. He can mend.
His love is real.
Like in the vignette, I feel like it is selfish of me to think about God in the
sense of what He does for me. 1 John 4:10 says, “In this
is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent His Son to be the
propitiation for our sins.”
