Have you ever thought you wanted something? Well, let me rephrase that...have you ever REALLY wanted something? Then things happen and you don't get it and you are left hurting and wondering WHY, GOD, WHY??? For me, it seems like most of the time I never get an answer. I'm left hurting and wondering because there was never an explanation given. (Obviously, the last sentence refers to situations that involve other people). I have learned a lot about myself recently. I hate unresolved issues. However, I hate conflict and confrontation. Do you see my problem here? I am STILL, after 30 years, learning to move on and let things go, usually with no answer as to why. (More or less my own fault, too.)
I re-listened to an older message of Keith Moore's titled "Trust Him." In it, he started talking about people asking "why." He said the why isn't the issue. "The issue is what you do when you don't know why. That's when your heart is proven. That's when your faith, or lack thereof, is proven." That was something I definitely needed to hear again! I believe I have moved on. Yes, I still deal with feelings and lingering thoughts. But I can't be governed by that. I have to cast down those feelings and thoughts and not give place to them. I have to trust God, even though something doesn't make sense to me and I don't understand it. I don't have to understand everything. True faith trusts God no matter what things look like on the outside.
So, I have to move forward, cast down thoughts and feelings (sometimes almost constantly, all day long). I can honestly say, by God's grace, I am doing that quite successfully. It's amazing how free I feel since I let go of things. I felt challenged the other day...like God was asking me, "Do you really trust Me? Do you really believe that My plans for you are for good and not evil? To give you hope and a future? You speak that daily, but do you really believe it?" What am I going to say to that??? "No, God, I'm not sure I can trust You." How can I say that to Him? To the One who has NEVER failed me or left me or let me down. The ONLY one. My only option was to prove to Him I trust Him, by laying those things down once and for all.
Usually, asking why is never a good idea. But sometimes, when you least expect it...when you have moved on and let something go, you can be surprised with an answer. This happened to me. I got an answer. Not necessarily an answer that was easy to hear, but an answer nonetheless. But you know what? The answer opened my eyes. It proved what I have been telling myself for some time now. I recognize that I'm better off without something I wanted. I see things and recognize it wasn't good for me. God knew that all along. By God's grace, I was spared. Had I asked God to being with, I would have been spared even more. But as it is, I've been hearing so much about being led by the Spirit IN EVERYTHING. My heart desires that. My heart longs for God to be so big in me, that nothing moves me, nothing phases me. I know what I wanted was not God's best for me. It was a distraction. It wasted my time. But God is merciful. And even though I did what I wanted, God still protected me and brought me through it.
