I tell people I'm okay being single and I really am! But that doesn't mean the desire to be married is gone. It means I try not to focus on it too much.
In spending some time worshiping and praying, one of the songs I was listening to really hit home with me. I knew in a minute that I still struggle. It's like my eyes were opened to see something about myself. There is still a part of me that feels like I'm not good or pretty enough. I realize that I still focus too much on my flaws - physical and otherwise. But I have to get over that 100% if I want to go further. If I want to accomplish all God has for me, I have to get over myself and quit comparing myself to other people.
He bought me...He paid the highest price for me. He set me free even from these feelings. He sees past my flaws and sees beauty. HE FINDS ME BEAUTIFUL!
There is the fear of no one wanting me. After all, I'm almost 30! But truth is, I'm accepted and loved by the only one who really matters. I may feel like a failure sometimes, but He NEVER fails and He is on my side!
I've been hurt in the past, and when I look to the future, those hurts resurface in the forms of fear and unworthiness. But it's all a lie. God always brings me back to Psalm 45:11 - "So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him." When I think of that scripture, God speaks to my heart, "I'm your king. I see you as beautiful. Worship ME. Focus on ME." It brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. His words make me feel alive and FREE.
And I will close with another scripture - 1 John 4:16a (AMP) - "And we know (understand, recognize, are conscious of, by observation and experience) and believe (adhere to and put faith in and rely on) the love God cherishes for us."
Monday, June 10, 2013
Monday, September 10, 2012
A Little Bit of Everything
Well, we are experiencing some fall weather currently. YAY FOR FALL!!! I really enjoy fall weather...still warm, but a nice breeze...cool evenings..."these are a few of my favorite things!"
I think I say it every year, but fall/winter are my favorite times of the year. That is the time when I feel most alive. The first day we get a touch of fall weather, I always feel like I am waking up from a long slumber and finally noticing everything around me. I don't know what it is...but I like it.
Now with that said, I need some help! I don't understand what is going on with me these days. Things happen and I get agitated...or rather, irritated. I feel like I get frustrated so easily. I don't remember ever being this bad. It seems like it is getting worse. I believe the root of my irritation/frustration is basically "Me." Meaning: this is interrupting my plans; this is inconveniencing me; etc., etc. I know I can be selfish, but since when was it so bad? I've had to tell myself, "It's not about me!" about 25 times today. JUST TODAY!!!
But I wonder...have I always been this bad and I'm just now noticing it? Or am I having that attitude more than I used to? Either way, it's not really a good thing. As much as it comes to my attention, I should be getting better. I should be whipping bad attitudes instead of them whipping me. So either way, I get weary. I don't say tired on purpose. "Tired" doesn't seem to be the right word. "Weary", yes. Because I'm not physically tired with all this, it's more of a mental tiredness. I wish I could drop everything and go to the mountains. I've never been, but I've heard it's beautiful and I've seen plenty of pictures. Sometimes I feel that if I could get away by myself, it would do me some good. But then again, maybe not.
I think I say it every year, but fall/winter are my favorite times of the year. That is the time when I feel most alive. The first day we get a touch of fall weather, I always feel like I am waking up from a long slumber and finally noticing everything around me. I don't know what it is...but I like it.
Now with that said, I need some help! I don't understand what is going on with me these days. Things happen and I get agitated...or rather, irritated. I feel like I get frustrated so easily. I don't remember ever being this bad. It seems like it is getting worse. I believe the root of my irritation/frustration is basically "Me." Meaning: this is interrupting my plans; this is inconveniencing me; etc., etc. I know I can be selfish, but since when was it so bad? I've had to tell myself, "It's not about me!" about 25 times today. JUST TODAY!!!
But I wonder...have I always been this bad and I'm just now noticing it? Or am I having that attitude more than I used to? Either way, it's not really a good thing. As much as it comes to my attention, I should be getting better. I should be whipping bad attitudes instead of them whipping me. So either way, I get weary. I don't say tired on purpose. "Tired" doesn't seem to be the right word. "Weary", yes. Because I'm not physically tired with all this, it's more of a mental tiredness. I wish I could drop everything and go to the mountains. I've never been, but I've heard it's beautiful and I've seen plenty of pictures. Sometimes I feel that if I could get away by myself, it would do me some good. But then again, maybe not.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Reflections
There was a time when I was so hungry for God. I longed to be in His presence, to see Him move in ways I had never seen. I remember being so hungry...and feeling like I had so much ground to cover. I wasn't sure I ever could cover it.
I even said it one night. "We think we think know God, but we don't." That was the realization I had reached. I knew ABOUT God, but I didn't really KNOW God. I would look around and think, "I've come so far!" Then I would look ahead and realize, "I still have a LONG way to go!"
And yet, approximately 13 years later, I realize how right on track I was. And I'm ashamed of how far I have fallen. How much more I could have accomplished! How much closer to God I could be!
I weep for the time I have wasted on meaningless things. But more so, I weep for the present. That I would grow more aware of Him. That the hunger I once had would return...and not just return, but increase. Life is difficult. It is hard to not just give up sometimes. That hunger is essential to hanging on. Because it is that hunger, that desire, that drives us deeper into His presence. And it is only in His presence that we find the strength to keep going and finish our course.
I even said it one night. "We think we think know God, but we don't." That was the realization I had reached. I knew ABOUT God, but I didn't really KNOW God. I would look around and think, "I've come so far!" Then I would look ahead and realize, "I still have a LONG way to go!"
And yet, approximately 13 years later, I realize how right on track I was. And I'm ashamed of how far I have fallen. How much more I could have accomplished! How much closer to God I could be!
I weep for the time I have wasted on meaningless things. But more so, I weep for the present. That I would grow more aware of Him. That the hunger I once had would return...and not just return, but increase. Life is difficult. It is hard to not just give up sometimes. That hunger is essential to hanging on. Because it is that hunger, that desire, that drives us deeper into His presence. And it is only in His presence that we find the strength to keep going and finish our course.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I haven't posted since WHEN???
NEWSFLASH: I'M NOT A PERFECT PERSON.
I know that comes as a big shock to all of you, but it's the truth. A long time ago, people used to tell me I was "too perfect" or "too good." If they could just see me now! HA!
I want to grow. I want to learn more and be more like God. My heart's desire is to please Him and do what He wants me to do. There are some other things I want as well, and I still hope they are in my future (and not so distant future at that).
In the meantime, I read 1 Corinthians 13 and I think I'm not walking in love like I should. I should be nicer to some people. But at the same time...ugh...I'm not sure how to say this...
Is it so wrong to not talk to somebody because of things that happened in the past? It seems like I NEED to not have anything to do with some people in order to move forward. Is that wrong? And whether it is or isn't, where is the line? Or am I just making this more difficult than it is? I just want some things settled once and for all. I'm tired of see-sawing back and forth, unsure of what to do.
I don't know if this post makes any sense. If it doesn't, well, it came straight from my thoughts, so you see what a jumbled mess THAT is!
I know that comes as a big shock to all of you, but it's the truth. A long time ago, people used to tell me I was "too perfect" or "too good." If they could just see me now! HA!
I want to grow. I want to learn more and be more like God. My heart's desire is to please Him and do what He wants me to do. There are some other things I want as well, and I still hope they are in my future (and not so distant future at that).
In the meantime, I read 1 Corinthians 13 and I think I'm not walking in love like I should. I should be nicer to some people. But at the same time...ugh...I'm not sure how to say this...
Is it so wrong to not talk to somebody because of things that happened in the past? It seems like I NEED to not have anything to do with some people in order to move forward. Is that wrong? And whether it is or isn't, where is the line? Or am I just making this more difficult than it is? I just want some things settled once and for all. I'm tired of see-sawing back and forth, unsure of what to do.
I don't know if this post makes any sense. If it doesn't, well, it came straight from my thoughts, so you see what a jumbled mess THAT is!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I must be making up for lost time...
I haven't posted in over a month, and here I am posted twice in one day...within minutes.
Ha! I have stuff to say, and time to say it...it just didn't fit with my last post.
I called up Paradise Fitness to get information about fees, etc. I really want to get back on track working out more. Now, I enjoy zumba. But $5 a pop...or $40 for 10 classes...or $50 for unlimited a month...is a pretty big chunk of change for me right now. And when it's mostly cardio, and I want to do more toning, I'm wanting something different. Yes, there is a zumba toning class...but it is only Wednesdays from 530-630. I have church at 7. Not a good time for me. Yes, there are bootcamp classes that are not really cardio...but they are usually at 7 pm. I don't want to sit around for 3 hrs. after work, unable to eat, waiting to work out from 7-8. I come home hungry and want to eat, yet need to be in bed by 10 or 1030 at the latest. I don't like that scenario in any way, shape, or form.
To get back to what I was saying...I called up Paradise Fitness to see what the rates were, etc. The girl I spoke to invited me in for a complimentary walk-through and work-out or whatever. So I'm going Friday at 10 am. Ha! We'll see about this...if I'm going to start paying for something, I want to know I'm going to be doing it! I was doing very well for awhile, until it got cold. I was walking almost every day...even on Saturdays! (Miracle!) So I want to get back to that. I thought about doing something at home, but let's face it...I haven't been able to make myself stick to anything at home!
So...we'll see. All I know is, I never felt better than I did when I was doing something every day. So since I quit, I've started to feel very gross. I think my body can tell it's not getting the exercise it needs...and I think that daily exercise really was helping more than I thought. Because I can definitely tell a difference now that I've stopped.
Ha! I have stuff to say, and time to say it...it just didn't fit with my last post.
I called up Paradise Fitness to get information about fees, etc. I really want to get back on track working out more. Now, I enjoy zumba. But $5 a pop...or $40 for 10 classes...or $50 for unlimited a month...is a pretty big chunk of change for me right now. And when it's mostly cardio, and I want to do more toning, I'm wanting something different. Yes, there is a zumba toning class...but it is only Wednesdays from 530-630. I have church at 7. Not a good time for me. Yes, there are bootcamp classes that are not really cardio...but they are usually at 7 pm. I don't want to sit around for 3 hrs. after work, unable to eat, waiting to work out from 7-8. I come home hungry and want to eat, yet need to be in bed by 10 or 1030 at the latest. I don't like that scenario in any way, shape, or form.
To get back to what I was saying...I called up Paradise Fitness to see what the rates were, etc. The girl I spoke to invited me in for a complimentary walk-through and work-out or whatever. So I'm going Friday at 10 am. Ha! We'll see about this...if I'm going to start paying for something, I want to know I'm going to be doing it! I was doing very well for awhile, until it got cold. I was walking almost every day...even on Saturdays! (Miracle!) So I want to get back to that. I thought about doing something at home, but let's face it...I haven't been able to make myself stick to anything at home!
So...we'll see. All I know is, I never felt better than I did when I was doing something every day. So since I quit, I've started to feel very gross. I think my body can tell it's not getting the exercise it needs...and I think that daily exercise really was helping more than I thought. Because I can definitely tell a difference now that I've stopped.
A Little Piece of Me
There are so many times I want to sit down and write something. I get bits and pieces. Usually just one page worth of inspiration. Then I end up with 50 random sheets of paper with different thoughts that I have no idea what to do with.
I've always wanted to write something that would/could be published. I've never really told anyone that, but it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. Problem is, I'm not sure how to go about making that happen. The truth is, I have always loved writing and I'm inclined to think that God must have put that in me for some reason...but I'm not sure what to do with it.
Maybe I should hold on to any random pieces of paper I find when I clean stuff out. Inevitably, whenever I go through stacks of stuff, I find at least five. I usually look at them and throw them away. I think maybe they are like puzzle pieces, and one day I will have enough to put them all together. But then I re-read them and think, "How in the world could all of these go together?" Then I throw them out.
Maybe from now I'll hang on to all of them...keep them in a folder or something. Because maybe those sheets are just like my life...I'm constantly getting bits and pieces from God that don't always make sense. But they really are puzzle pieces. I may not see how they all go together, but one day, when I'm finished with everything He has given me, I will look back and see the whole picture and finally understand how all the pieces fit together.
Perhaps I need a little more patience and faith...patience to know that anything worth doing usually isn't finished overnight...and faith that one day I will look over everything and finally see how it can all fit together to create something that will touch someone's life.
I've always wanted to write something that would/could be published. I've never really told anyone that, but it's something I've wanted to do for awhile. Problem is, I'm not sure how to go about making that happen. The truth is, I have always loved writing and I'm inclined to think that God must have put that in me for some reason...but I'm not sure what to do with it.
Maybe I should hold on to any random pieces of paper I find when I clean stuff out. Inevitably, whenever I go through stacks of stuff, I find at least five. I usually look at them and throw them away. I think maybe they are like puzzle pieces, and one day I will have enough to put them all together. But then I re-read them and think, "How in the world could all of these go together?" Then I throw them out.
Maybe from now I'll hang on to all of them...keep them in a folder or something. Because maybe those sheets are just like my life...I'm constantly getting bits and pieces from God that don't always make sense. But they really are puzzle pieces. I may not see how they all go together, but one day, when I'm finished with everything He has given me, I will look back and see the whole picture and finally understand how all the pieces fit together.
Perhaps I need a little more patience and faith...patience to know that anything worth doing usually isn't finished overnight...and faith that one day I will look over everything and finally see how it can all fit together to create something that will touch someone's life.
Monday, December 5, 2011
WOW!
So tonight in young adult group, Jason talked about Abraham - how he believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness. The point being, we need to believe God. Not just say we believe Him, but really believe Him. Believe what He says He will do. But then beyond that, we need to act on what He says. True belief in what God has said will result in action. He said that the things God tells us may not happen how or when we think it should. It may take some time, like God's promise to Abraham. But we need to hang on to those promises and not let go.
I was thinking about my own life personally, remembering the things God spoke to me when I was still in high school. And here I am, 11 years later, still waiting. I've made mistakes, screwed up, and turned my back on God since He spoke those things to me all those years ago. I know how the Bible says the call of God is without repentance. (Romans 11:29)
SIDENOTE: Just read this scripture in the Amplified for the first time ever. "For God's gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them when once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]" Can you say WOW???
But I also know how the Bible says that whoever looks back isn't fit for the kingdom. (Luke 9:62) So I've been struggling lately to figure it all out. I've been waiting so long...did I miss it? Did I look back enough to just throw away what God had for me and screw up my chances? Or does He still want me? I know He still loves me and all that, I wasn't questioning that. I was questioning whether those things God placed in my heart were still things He has for me to do, or if I've just messed all of that up beyond repair.
So anyway....what Jason was saying got my mind going down this path, thinking these things over. He talked about never quitting. About when it gets REALLY hard, and we feel like we can't keep going, to just take another step. Keep taking one more step, because that's when the promise will finally come. So while he was saying all of this, I had an epiphany!!!
God is omniscient. He knows everything. He knows the beginning from the end. He knew ME before my parents even thought about me. So if He knows everything, when He spoke those things to me 11 years ago, He knew the day would come when I would struggle. He knew I would fall away and do my own thing. He knew I would have to make decisions and that I would end up making the wrong ones. But He still told me those things He had for me.
Why? Because He knew it wouldn't change anything. He knew I would mess up and make things harder for myself, but He knew my heart would come back to Him. He knew that underneath all the mess, my heart would always really be His. And even though I'd mess up, I would come to realize that truth myself. HE KNEW.
And with that said, I can go back to Romans 11:29 in the Amplified. And I could jump up and down right now! "He never withdraws them when once they are given..." It's like Kim Klaudt said one time he came and ministered at church, "God didn't call you when you were 22 sitting on the front row in church. He didn't look down and slap His forehead and say, 'Hey, Jesus! I just got it! Why don't we send Billy Bob to be a missionary in Africa?' He doesn't wake up and slap his forehead and say, 'I could've had a V8!'" It's so true. He knew me before I was born. When He knew me, He called me. He just didn't tell me until 11 years ago.
So now I have hope again. Hope that the work He started in my life, He will finish. I will finish what He has called me to do. No matter how long that takes.
I was thinking about my own life personally, remembering the things God spoke to me when I was still in high school. And here I am, 11 years later, still waiting. I've made mistakes, screwed up, and turned my back on God since He spoke those things to me all those years ago. I know how the Bible says the call of God is without repentance. (Romans 11:29)
SIDENOTE: Just read this scripture in the Amplified for the first time ever. "For God's gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them when once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]" Can you say WOW???
But I also know how the Bible says that whoever looks back isn't fit for the kingdom. (Luke 9:62) So I've been struggling lately to figure it all out. I've been waiting so long...did I miss it? Did I look back enough to just throw away what God had for me and screw up my chances? Or does He still want me? I know He still loves me and all that, I wasn't questioning that. I was questioning whether those things God placed in my heart were still things He has for me to do, or if I've just messed all of that up beyond repair.
So anyway....what Jason was saying got my mind going down this path, thinking these things over. He talked about never quitting. About when it gets REALLY hard, and we feel like we can't keep going, to just take another step. Keep taking one more step, because that's when the promise will finally come. So while he was saying all of this, I had an epiphany!!!
God is omniscient. He knows everything. He knows the beginning from the end. He knew ME before my parents even thought about me. So if He knows everything, when He spoke those things to me 11 years ago, He knew the day would come when I would struggle. He knew I would fall away and do my own thing. He knew I would have to make decisions and that I would end up making the wrong ones. But He still told me those things He had for me.
Why? Because He knew it wouldn't change anything. He knew I would mess up and make things harder for myself, but He knew my heart would come back to Him. He knew that underneath all the mess, my heart would always really be His. And even though I'd mess up, I would come to realize that truth myself. HE KNEW.
And with that said, I can go back to Romans 11:29 in the Amplified. And I could jump up and down right now! "He never withdraws them when once they are given..." It's like Kim Klaudt said one time he came and ministered at church, "God didn't call you when you were 22 sitting on the front row in church. He didn't look down and slap His forehead and say, 'Hey, Jesus! I just got it! Why don't we send Billy Bob to be a missionary in Africa?' He doesn't wake up and slap his forehead and say, 'I could've had a V8!'" It's so true. He knew me before I was born. When He knew me, He called me. He just didn't tell me until 11 years ago.
So now I have hope again. Hope that the work He started in my life, He will finish. I will finish what He has called me to do. No matter how long that takes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)