Just a thought...

There are some things I haven't necessarily dreamt of doing, but I have thought somewhat seriously about them.

Along a similar, although somewhat different line, I really don't believe we have much time left here. The way things are going in this world, I really believe Jesus is coming back soon. With that said, I know there are things He has spoken to me about His plan for my life. I know I've made lots of mistakes, but I firmly believe my mistakes have not negated those plans. I believe He still wants me to do whatever it is He has called me to do. (I know general things, the specifics are what elude me.) So with all that said, I'm thinking some things are gonna have to start popping! I curious to see how the rest of this year goes, as well as next!

I pray that when opportunities come way I will seize them and not shrink back in fear. I pray that if I need to take a step of faith, that I will know when and how.

And that brings me back to my first statement...there are things I used to think about when I was younger, though I didn't necessarily consider them "dreams." And I have since written them off. But now I'm beginning to think maybe they aren't impossible like they seem...

My 10 Year Anniversary

Ten years ago today, my life took a turn that would change me forever.

Around the beginning of 2001, something happened. I don’t remember exactly how or when, but I knew things weren’t right. It scared me. So I ignored it, hoping it would go away.

It didn’t. My mom found out and set up an appointment for me to see a doctor. I went periodically so they could do blood work and make sure I was doing okay. I was given a prescription to help me get better. I rarely, if ever, took the prescription. The pills I was given had to be swallowed whole. I had struggled with swallowing pills since I was in 3^rd or 4^th grade. It was a mental issue, but I had yet to beat it. So I got progressively worse and worse, not really understanding or knowing what was wrong with me. My doctor appointments became more frequent to the point I was going every week.

On Monday, September 10, 2001, I went to see my doctor as usual. I had to wait for them to get my blood work back, which had become the norm. When the doctor came back in with the results, she told me she was admitting me to the hospital. She said that she could send me home, hoping I’d get better over the following week, but that my hemoglobin had dropped 3 points in one week, from 10 to 7. Odds were it would drop another 3 points, and I wouldn’t see her the next week because I’d be dead.

At the age of 17, that was a shock for me to hear. So I was admitted to Enterprise Medical Center. Tuesday, September 11^th, we all know what happened that morning. So while the United States was in turmoil, I was in a hospital, waiting on a blood transfusion to save my life. I was transferred to UAB Hospital on Wednesday. I had IVs, tests, blood drawn 3 times a day, all that fun stuff. It was a trying week for me, but God was still there with me through it all. The doctor who checked on me every morning (with all his interns or whatever they were), asked me if I had experienced any pain. I told him how I would lay on the sofa, curled up in a ball, because it hurt so bad. It literally felt like someone had set my insides on fire. It was unbearable…I had never felt pain like that before…or since, for that matter. Whenever it started hurting, I’d pray to God to either take me home or take the pain away, because I couldn’t stand it. I would hide my face so my family wouldn’t know the pain I felt and I would silently cry…begging to be set free from the agony. Without fail, after a couple minutes, the pain would go away. I told the doctor it would go away, just didn’t tell him why. He was stunned. He said, “I’ve never heard that before! As bad off as you are, the pain is normal. But it’s a constant thing. Someone in your situation should be feeling pain like that, but it doesn’t just stop.” When he told me that, I realized that God really was with me, as if I didn’t already know. I just wish I would have told him the truth.

There was another day they had to give me a special IV. I don’t remember what it was or what it did, but the nurse told me that it would burn. The burning sensation would last the whole time, and it took about 45 minutes for the whole process to be complete. But as she was setting things up, she looked at me and said, “May I pray for you?” I told her yes. She prayed that the IV would not burn like it should. Then she really got going and started praying in tongues! I was so thankful for the great nurses I had, especially her, a believer who knew the power of God! When she started the IV, it burned the minute it hit my vein. She held my hand and thanked God and it quit burning. It never burned again while that liquid ran into my arm. That was another eye-opening moment for me.

I thank God for the great nurses I had at UAB. He surrounded me with people who really cared, especially that sweet black lady who wasn’t afraid to step out and pray for me! While at UAB, I had to learn how to swallow pills, too. One day, I had another really sweet nurse. I don’t know if she was a Christian or not, but she came in and worked with me and really helped me to overcome the whole mental block I had concerning swallowing pills. She was patient and took the extra time to help me.

Also while I was there, I met a specialist, who was going to be my doctor. She was the one I would have to visit periodically to make sure everything was still going well. She came in and explained everything to me. She told me I had ulcerative colitis…a disease that could not be cured, but could be controlled. She was a nice doctor, and all the times I saw her I felt like she really had my best interest at heart, but that first day I met her, when she told me that, I couldn’t agree. I stayed calm on the outside, listening to everything she told me, but on the inside, it’s like my spirit jumped up and screamed, “NO! I will NOT live with this! I won’t have to put up with it for the rest of my life! I know a doctor who can cure ANYTHING!”

Finally, a week after I was admitted to EMC, I was released from UAB. They had to weigh me before I left, for my records. I was 99 pounds. Let me tell you, at 99 pounds, I looked like I should be dead. (Some of you know this, as I actually weighed in at 97 last year when I got really sick around this time.) Even though I finally got to go home, and seemingly the worst was behind me, the battle was just beginning.

I had to deal with depression. I had never been depressed in my life. I was only 17 for crying out loud! I wished I had died instead of surviving. I didn’t think life was worth it. Things got better when I was accepted to UA, but the excitement of change just masked what I was dealing with. The depression reared its ugly head again during the summer of 2003. I decided to take summer classes because I didn’t want to have to stay an extra semester, and I knew I had to do an internship the summer before my senior year. I dealt with a lot of stuff that summer, and found myself, once again, wishing I wasn’t alive. I didn’t see a point. I didn’t think it was worth it. I had forgotten about how God brought me through everything and all the ways He proved how much He loved me. One night in my room, I was crying. He got stern with me…corrected me. But it broke that depression off of me and I KNEW I’d been set free!

Satan has tried to put it back on me, and there are times I almost gave in. But every time it gets easier. Satan actually tried to give me those same thoughts not too long ago. “Life isn’t worth it. I’m not worth it.” The minute the thought hit me, I started laughing! “Satan, you can’t be serious! God knows everything about me…the good, the bad, the ugly, and He STILL showers me with His love in ways I could never earn or deserve! How in the world can I dare to think I’m not worth it???” That’s one of the things God said to me, actually. He reminded me how He sent Jesus to die FOR ME. Then He made me realize that, basically, what I was saying was that Jesus died in vain. That the ultimate sacrifice was a waste. How could I ever look at the cross and doubt that God really, truly LOVES me? There’s no way!

There are so many more things that tie into this story…MY story. But obviously there’s too much to keep it short. I have shared some stuff with different people, but I have kept pretty silent about most of it. I know God has plans for me, and I think it’s time I start stepping out more. I know this is just a blog, and it’s a toss-up of how many people will actually read it, especially since it’s really long. But at least it’s a start.

WARNING: Long Post! I've Got A Lot To Say!

Last night I was so tired, I was in bed by 8:45. However, once I was in bed, I suddenly couldn't fall asleep. I felt wide awake and my mind was moving quickly. I have seen a couple posts here and there about how next month is going to be 10 years since the attack on the World Trade Centers. That means that next month will be a 10 year anniversary of my own. I have started thinking about a blog marking my anniversary, and I have even jotted down some ideas of what I want to focus on in said blog. I actually got up last night (since I couldn't sleep) and wrote for 30 minutes.

I wrote as the thoughts flowed. I will not post exactly what I wrote. But I realized there are so many things I want to say. So many things that I have kept inside. I have a testimony, yet when have I ever stepped out and shared it? I have shared some things with different people, but I do not think there is a single person I have shared HALF of what happened with them. But now I am getting off topic. That is a blog for another day.

There are so many things STILL flooding my mind. I want to be more like God. I want to please Him. I decided about two months ago that I was going to walk in love. And here I am...failing more than I am succeeding, apparently. At least that's the way it appears to me. I'm learning SO MUCH and the cry of my heart is that I will be a DOER of the Word and not just a hearer.

I sit and think when I'm alone, "God! I'm so frustrated! I know I'm supposed to be walking in love but this person did this...that person did that...it hurts!" I constantly...daily...hear things come out of my mouth that shouldn't. It seems like a vicious cycle. BUT...God still loves me. He hasn't given up on me, so how can I give up on myself? I feel like I'm so far from where I should be, but then I remember where I was. Maybe it's harder because I'm more aware of those things that need to change than I was before. I'm seeking God more and seeing how much I fall short of what He is. BUT...I say that with this revelation...that GOD has done everything for me that I need to be like Him. I see how much I fall short, but that should only serve as a reminder of His GRACE and MERCY that He provides for me EVERY DAY. That no matter what I do to try and be better, works will never get me there. Only His love and forgiveness can do that.

I say all this because my emotions are still my biggest enemy. And that ties directly into my endeavor to walk in love. I listened to a message by Keith Moore on Tuesday entitled "Love Seeks Not Its Own". The whole time I was listening, I felt like I was getting a good ole' fashioned spanking! That message HURT! It was NOT easy to hear. But I NEEDED it. "God corrects those He loves." (Heb. 12:6) But even after hearing that message, and it smarting like it did, I knew in my spirit God wasn't ANGRY with me. He knew I needed to hear it. It isn't the first time He has had to be a little harsh with me. And yet, the first time I really remember God being harsh with me, is one of the most precious times I can remember. However, that is, yet again, for another blog. This is a very important issue, one that I need to learn and get settled NOW. It's not easy, but I believe I AM growing. Though it may not always seem like I am, I have to believe it.

It gets tiring, keeping the flesh and emotions under all the time! But OH! Will it be worth it! One day I WILL look back and say, "Thank you, GOD, for not giving up on me! It was a struggle! I made it harder than it should have been, but it was worth the effort!" And that day will be SOON! (Not saying I will be perfect, but I have faith that I will see change sooner than later!)

This year has been a turning point for me. I know God has so much for me, and I will NOT let up until I have everything He has for me! I want my life to please Him! Without Him, my life is meaningless. I know by the end of this year, I WILL BE different! I will grow in the months ahead and start out next year stronger than ever! No devil in hell...no piddling emotions...no weak flesh...is going to keep me from getting ALL God has for me THIS YEAR!

I'm excited for when I look back at this point in my life and see how awesome God is and all He has done for me!

Love Is In the Air

Since I am a single, 27 year old woman, and there were wedding preparations going on at the church today (where I work), obviously some conversation centered around what I would like/not like.

I know I think about those things more often than I should, since there isn't anyone in my life that I know I may end up marrying, but it's still fun. In the course of conversation, it came up that...how do I put this delicately? Some people are CONVINCED that I will DEFINITELY be Bridezilla when I get married. However, I don't want to be bridezilla, so I'm really believing God that I won't be. (Hopefully. LOL)

Now, as much as it pains me to say this, yes, I can certainly see why they would think that. I can be a little witch about some things, and yes, I like *some* things MY WAY. I know there are certain things that I feel strongly about, and I know when my turn comes, there are people close to me who will not like what I want, but I will tell them (as sweetly as I can), "This is my wedding, so shut up." 

Wow! Sounds like Bridezilla is already showing up! Better pack her away until the groom gets here! ;)  But during the course of the day, I ended up texting my sister and said something to her about "where's my hubby?" (Joking, of course.) She provided me with two texts full of "sisterly wisdom", which I would like to take this opportunity to share with you.

I found these texts quite hilarious, and hope you will too!

"He's in a boat...on the sea...looking for his bride-to-be...is she near? is she far? I hope I find her on a sandbar..."

"He's in a car...on the road...is she high? is she low? all this waiting really blows!"

And yes, my sister came up with those on her own. Isn't she clever?

These Days

I know I don't blog very often, and when I do it, it is usually related to my walk with God. But the truth is, I believe it when I hear people say time is running out. I've played around long enough. I'm tired of playing. I'm tired of dealing with the same stupid emotions day after day after day. I'm tired of circumstances dictating my attitude and outlook instead of the other way around.

When this year began, I was in a bad spot. Last year had been one of the worst yet, and I was tired of feeling like the whole year had been a waste...a horrible memory to be forgotten. It seemed like each year was worse than the one before and last year was the last straw. This year began and I was desperate. I had to make a decision whether I was going to do what I wanted or finally, completely surrender to God and His will.

I chose the latter. And this has been the best year I've had in a while. Granted, I've had LOTS of struggles and opportunities to give up and have lost lots of battles with my emotions. But I'm so determined that nothing is going to stop me. God has a plan and purpose for my life, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing just that. God has been bringing the old dreams I had back to me. Things I felt in my spirit that were later confirmed in the mouths of others. I KNEW it was true. I KNEW that's what God had for me. But I lost it.

I feel like every blog is the same thing. But that's the story of my life these days. Each day is a new day with frustrations and trials. Each day is a new chance to take the things I'm learning and put them into practice. Each day is a new chance to FINALLY give up EVERYTHING that I have held onto for so long. After all, where did it get me? Nowhere, except crying with a broken heart...frustrated and tired of fighting. But why am I wasting my strength fighting a battle He already won for me? What's the purpose?

So I'm having to let go of everything I hold dear. All my precious dreams I keep hidden, waiting for the day they come true. But in return, He is giving me so much more!

This week has been challenging, but I realize there are things in me that need to come to the surface so I can get rid of them and therefore be more like Him. That is the journey I'm on right now. And it's not very pretty sometimes. I feel like my head is spinning so fast from all the different things I'm learning and trying to put into practice in my life. But God promised His Word would not fail. So I'm clinging to that. Because He is faithful who promised.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not faint or grow weary; there is no searching of His understanding. He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multipy and making it to abound]. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and [selected] young men shall feebly stumble and fall exhausted; But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift up their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired." -Isaiah 40:28-31 [AMP]

Oh! How He loves us...

For so long, my life has been one gigantic roller coaster. I have struggled day after day after day, wishing to break through the things that kept me bound. When I would finally start to feel happy, something new would come along to knock me down again. This has been the pattern of my life for I don't know how many years.

When I was in high school, I had hopes and dreams for my future...some were things I had wished for since I was a child and others were things God began to place in my heart. I would sit and imagine myself walking out those God-given things and I was excited!

Then I grew up. I believe I did what God wanted me to do at that time, but I lost my focus. I quit trying to make sure I was accomplishing God's will and started following my own agenda. Ever since then, the dreams He gave me have become a distant memory...like that was someone else's life. And in all the mess I made, I kept feeling more and more condemnation and making even more and more mistakes.

So all that has brought me to this point...the point of FINALLY being so fed up with the "same-ole, same-ole" that I decided I was going to do something about it. God has been hammering His word into me...all about His grace, mercy, love, forgiveness. I finally reached the point where I gave up. I gave up my plans and everything I was holding on to for His plans. I have found myself happier than I have been in a long time...and reviving those old dreams...starting to see myself, once again, walking out those things God spoke to me all those years ago.

Now, I'm not suddenly perfect. I still find myself trying to make things happen on my own or follow my own plans rather than God's. I'm still fighting my flesh and dealing with frustrations and emotions daily. However, I'm bound and determined that those things will NOT weigh me down! They will NOT ruin my entire day when they come.

Praise God! This year is going to be the best ever! I'm determined that I will not fall back into the same old pattern! And when this year ends, I will NOT recognize my life! He has good things for me, and I'm going to follow after Him and not look back!

In case you were wondering, I AM still here...

Okay...so I know I've been horribly neglectful of my blog over the past couple months, surprisingly enough. I love writing and all that, so I figured, if anything, everyone would be aggrevated and think, "Oh geez! Lisa has posted another blog! Doesn't she have anything else to do???" Little did I know, I would suddenly become remiss when it came to keeping it up...seriously? ME? Not post stuff every day? Surely not! 

But as it is, yes, I have not posted much at all lately. That's not to say I haven't been thinking about anything, or had anything to write about, just that it's pretty personal stuff for me that I don't feel comfortable publicizing. Honestly, I'm not one of those people who can just post any and all of my private life, so to speak. I think I'm better off keeping things "closer to the vest" these days, if you will.

So to give you all a little update, in case you were wondering...I've been moved back in with my parents for not quite a month yet, but it's been surprisingly pain-free. The last day or two in my apartment, and my first night or two in my parents' house, I was seriously questioning my strategy and decision. "Wouldn't it be better to go without a lot of stuff than to be back HERE?" But it has actually not been bad. I have tried to be helpful by keeping the bathroom cleaner than I kept it when I lived here before, and doing the dishes more often than I ever did them. I volunteer information about where I'm going, etc., and try to understand my parents care and want to make sure I'm okay. On the flip side, I think my parents are really trying to give me freedom as well, knowing that I'm an adult now - they haven't waited up for me when I've been out late, which used to bother me - that or they don't care, but I'm pretty sure it's the first reason.

So that's the big thing in life right now. Still working, slowly but surely, on getting bills taken care of. I'm still spending too much money on things I don't really need, but I'm working on it. Some habits are too hard to break over night...though I guess I shouldn't say that, since nothing is impossible with God. But as I have never really bothered to deal with SELF-CONTROL in the area of my spending habits, it stands to reason that it is a LEARNED habit and, therefore, won't change over night.

So...seems like there was another reason for posting, but can't really think of anything else at the moment, except really random stuff. Like how I'm excited about the new Pirates movie coming out this weekend! How I REALLY wanna go up to Tuscaloosa for a weekend, but there's too much going on and I'm SERIOUSLY gonna have to MAKE it happen because I can't wait another month and a half!

With all that said, I think I'm going to go read my book. I'm reading through The Chronicles of Narnia right now, which is probably another reason why I haven't posted. I was reading the Twilight series again, and it's nearly impossible for me to focus on anything but reading when it comes to those books...they are seriously addictive.

Anyway...I guess that's all for now.