A New Perspective

               These days, I have been trying to focus on God, spend more time with Him, that sort of thing. I want my relationship with God to be more real. I want it to actually be the most important relationship in my life. I want God to be more than just someone I run to when I have a problem. I was reading a book that talked about a relationship with God being more fulfilling than a relationship with a man. I’ve heard things like that my whole life, but being older, it seems impossible. But my eyes are being opened to realize it is possible. But more than being possible, it is necessary.

               So for that reason, I have been really focusing on watching my thoughts. I have always been a big daydreamer, and I’m sure that has caused a lot of my problems. I’ve been talking to God about these things, and also telling Him what I want my relationship with Him to be like. I can’t say that is based on any scripture, but a real relationship is like that, right? In a human relationship, I would (or ought to) communicate to another person what I want and what I want to see in the future, discussing direction and goals and dreams. So why not with God?

               My thoughts for the past couple weeks have been consumed (I know, strong word, but very truthful in this instance) with this. I have really been looking inward, seeing things that need to be changed, and giving areas previously withheld over to God. Time is running out and I’m fed up with getting out of a rut only to fall back into it a year or two later. It has been challenging, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

               So, in the attempt to “clean up” my thought life, I have really been attempting to put a stop to all the daydreams that get me stuck in those ruts. One night, while I was talking to God and focusing my thoughts on Him, a passage of scripture came up in my spirit. I remembered the story of when Jesus spoke to the Pharisees and told them about unclean spirits. He said the unclean spirit leaves a man, looks for a new place, and doesn’t find one. So he goes back to the house where he came from and “finds it empty, swept, and put in order.” Then he goes and finds 7 spirits even more evil than himself and they enter there and “the last state of that man is worse than the first.” (Matthew 12:43-45)

After I was reminded of that passage, it came up in my spirit, “If you get rid of those daydreams, what will you replace them with?” I had never thought of that before. I never thought there was really any alternative. Then I felt God speak to me, “Dream of me. Think about me.” It was kind of strange for me. I felt like that was sacrilegious or “crazy.” Daydream about God? You can’t be serious! That’s weird! But is it?

Zephaniah 3:17 says, “The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” That sounds like a rather intimate type of moment to me.

I like writing. I always have. Lately, I haven’t been able to sit down and start writing a story start to finish. In my daydreaming, I’d envision different circumstances, and then I’d sit down and write them out. I keep all these vignettes in a notebook. There is no order or real coherence to them, I just write them down as they come. I figure if I keep them together in one place, maybe one day, they will fit together somehow (or with some changes here and there) and become a book. I may not use all of them, but perhaps some of them.

Well, when God spoke to me about focusing my daydreaming on Him, I felt prompted to write a vignette like that. So finally, the other evening, I took time and really thought about the longing and desire I have for a real, intimate relationship with someone. Instead of thinking about meeting someone, I thought about what it might be like if God was physically here, and I could spend time with Him. What would that look like? What would that be like? I wrote down what I thought about that moment, and I want to share that with you.

The sun was shining. It was a perfect day. As she reached the end of the path and the trees gave way, she saw him sitting there, at the same picnic table, waiting for her. She got excited when she saw him. Her face broke into a smile and she made her way over to him.

   “I’m so glad you came to see me today,” he told her.

   “When you called, there was no way I could refuse. I didn’t see you yesterday, and I missed you,” she spoke honestly.

   “I missed you more,” he said. “But you are here now, and that is all that matters.”

   She sat down in his lap and he put his arms around her and held her. She told him all about her day and everything that happened. He listened quietly, stroking her hair. She couldn’t help herself. She poured everything out, even admitted to feelings that made her feel like a failure. She was a tad scared and she didn’t look at his face, because she couldn’t bear to see disapproval there.

   But she didn’t sense any disapproval. All she felt was love. It enveloped her. She felt it down in her soul. There was peace and comfort in his arms, not judgment.

   “I could have helped you. I wish you would have let me help you.” His tone was not harsh or condemning, but almost wistful.

   “I know. But I felt like it was such a small thing and that I ought to be able to handle it on my own.”

   “It’s not a matter of whether you are able to handle it or not. It’s about the fact that I don’t want you to handle it. I want to take care of you. I want to help you. I never want you to carry any burden. You are strong, but I am stronger. I don’t want you taking care of anything that I can do for you.”

   She was in awe of him. His love was evident in every word, every look, and every mannerism. How could she have gone a day without speaking to him? How could she ever refuse him when he made her feel the way he did? Then she was embarrassed by her selfishness. Her thoughts were all about what HE did for HER. But that’s what drew her to him. That’s why she loved him. She couldn’t deny that. If he did not pursue her, if he did not care for her the way he did, she would not love him that much. Her love wasn’t perfect like his.

   “Nothing gives me more pleasure than you being here with me, spending time with me.”

   She felt unworthy. “I don’t understand why you say things like that. After all the times I’ve neglected you, let you down. How can you say that?”

   “Because I love you.”

   “I know, but…”

   “There are no ‘buts.’ I love you. Nothing will ever change that. I want you.”

   She wanted to cry. She had done so many things to hurt him, yet he still loved her. He still waited for her. He still wanted her. No one else had ever been so forgiving. But he did more than forgive…he forgot.

               I know some of this may sound strange. Believe me; it is not easy for me to share this. There are other things that I have seen over the past week from doing research that I have written down. I have not shared all those things yet because I feel awkward sharing them. But this is something that is so big in me right now. These are things I have heard my whole life and I am now, FINALLY, at the age of 30, beginning to understand and grasp them. When I think of all the years I have wasted by not learning these things…all the people I have hurt along the way because I did not truly understand these things…it makes me sad. But God is merciful. He can restore. He can mend.

               His love is real. Like in the vignette, I feel like it is selfish of me to think about God in the sense of what He does for me. 1 John 4:10 says, “In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.”

My thoughts from a couple days ago...

"I’ll remind myself of all that You’ve done

And the life I have because of Your Son

Love came down and rescued me

Love came down and set me free

And I am Yours, I am forever Yours

Mountain high or valley low

I sing out, remind my soul

That I am Yours, I am forever Yours"

Sometimes, life is tough. Things don’t always work out the way you want. Sometimes, you have to FIGHT for what you want. I received some MAJOR encouragement a couple weeks ago. I was so blessed and excited. Yet, ever since then, things have been TOUGH. I’ve been struggling, and most of the struggle has been in my own mind, although it is due to outside circumstances. The other day, a verse came up in my spirit. I am going to share the Amplified version here, because the Amplified is probably my favorite translation.

Hebrews 4:10-11 - ¹⁰For he who has once entered [God’s] rest also has ceased from [the weariness and pain] of human labors, just as God rested from those labors peculiarly His own. ¹¹Let us therefore be zealous and exert ourselves and strive diligently to enter that rest [of God, to know and experience it for ourselves], that no one may fall or perish by the same kind of unbelief and disobedience [into which those in the wilderness fell].

According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of strive is “to devote serious effort or energy :  endeavor” or “to struggle in opposition :  contend.” So basically, it is going to be a fight. We will have to FIGHT to enter into that rest. But once we enter it, oh how sweet it is! I realized, yes, I received an awesome word. Yes, God has GREAT things for me. But satan isn’t excited for me. He isn’t going to sit back and say, “Wow, Lisa! That’s great what God has for you! Enjoy it! Enjoy the Word!” If anything, he is going to be throwing stuff at me to KEEP me from receiving all that God has for me. He doesn’t want me joyful. He doesn’t want me to experience God’s fullness. So I have to fight. I have to put my flesh down. I have to take control of my mind and emotions. I have to resist the devil. The Bible promises that if I resist him, he WILL flee! (James 4:7)

I have been rather double-minded over the past week or so, and that is definitely not good! Like I said, the scripture from Hebrews came up in my spirit. I realized I needed to do SOMETHING to get my mind under control. I listened to some messages, read some mini books, and then I did some scripture confessions. I also spent time praying and singing songs to God. It is AMAZING how things calm down when you get your focus off of you and onto HIM! Now I know what I need to do. I REFUSE to let anything distract me or come between me and the promises of God!

Beautiful

I was talking with a friend the other evening. They said something that brought a thought to my mind. In that moment, I felt - I KNEW - God thinks I'm beautiful. And I FELT beautiful. 

It amazes me how I can be so confident of something at one moment, and then in the next moment, doubt or question that exact same thing. One moment I feel like an absolute failure and that I mess up everything I do. Then God tells me - SHOWS ME - how beautiful I am. 

We weren't even talking about that specifically, but an image rose up in my spirit. It's like I actually "saw" what God sees when He looks at me. I was amazed. 

I am in awe of this Creator who did all these things FOR ME, because He loves ME. How can I ever turn away from such love? Why would I ever want to? I don't. 

The Answer to my Question...

Okay, so my last post wasn't the greatest. November was a VERY challenging month for me. I was dealing with a lot of different things and freaking out and just all around frustrated. Closer to Thanksgiving, I started to chill out a bit. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and I was REALLY looking forward to it. This is the first Thanksgiving in a while that I did not think was great. I mean, it wasn't bad...but it wasn't great either.

Anyway. So I had a lot of free time over the holiday because I don't do the whole "Black Friday" thing and I hate the crowds and all that. I did a lot of thinking (which is probably my problem most of the time), and more praying than I have in a while. I was starting to feel better.

Sunday's church service was GREAT. Exactly what I needed. And it was like between Saturday and Sunday everything that had been weighing on my mind and stressing me out has just melted away. These first couple days of December have been the BEST days I have had in what feels like a long time! I have realized I need to let things go. I keep freaking out and feeling like a failure because I'm not walking in love or whatever. But God reminded me that I need to take things a day at a time. I keep looking back at the failures of yesterday and last week and feeling overwhelmed by that. But He spoke to me and said, "That was yesterday. That is in the past now. When you miss it, repent. Move on. You can't move forward if you keep looking back."

Of course I need to walk in love and be nice to people and all that, but if I miss it, I can't beat myself up over it. I need to honestly repent and move forward. I need to quit looking back at the failures of yesterday and focus on what is in front of me. Focus on doing the right thing right now. I am actually excited again about the future and what God has for me. I'm not worried about messing things up or doing something wrong. I feel free again to just be me. God is so amazing!

Can I be real?

I have really been struggling lately. In less than a month and a half, I will turn 30. I am really excited about that! Yet, the closer it gets, the harder it gets. I always imagined what my life would be like when I turned 30, and I am NO WHERE NEAR what I thought. I have been so excited to turn 30 because my 20s pretty much sucked. I mean, not ALL of my 20s were bad. Things got progressively better over the last couple of years, but it still wasn’t what I expected. 

I have to remind myself that when I turn 30, my problems won’t automatically be solved nor will I suddenly have all this wisdom and be perfect. I think I have that kind of expectation. The older I get, the harder some things seem to be. I think I ought to be used to certain things or able to handle situations better since I have been through it before. But I’m not. 

The past two years, I have been largely happy being single. I preferred it that way. Occasionally I got wistful; but overall, I was fine. Not so this year. I feel like I ruin relationships with men. I try so hard to be this perfect woman so they will love me and we can live happily ever after. But I’m not perfect. In trying to be perfect, I’m not being myself. I either say/do things I shouldn’t, or not say/do things I should. It’s like I get everything backwards. It shouldn’t be this difficult, should it? I mean, no one else is perfect. The men I have liked definitely weren’t. So why do I feel like I have to be? Why do I TRY to be? It is one thing to know you need work in different areas. It is another thing entirely to beat yourself up over those things and constantly freak out when you feel like you are messing something up.

So what if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time? So what I’m “too quiet” sometimes? (And yes, that does happen…just like being too loud sometimes.) Why is it so difficult to just accept and love myself and know that God loves me too much to leave me the way I am? Why is it so difficult to just “enjoy the ride”? Why is it so difficult for me to focus on the good and let go of the bad? Or to move on from something – even if it is something I wanted – because maybe it isn’t God’s best for me? Why can’t I just let go?

My Anniversary

Today is my anniversary. Twelve years ago today, the bottom dropped out and my world flipped upside down.

When the doctor came into the exam room and told me I had to go to the hospital or I would be dead within a week, I was shocked. As a 17 year old, you don't expect to hear that. I knew I was sick, I just didn't know I was that sick. It scared me. It had been a miserable couple of months, and that day was the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back."

I ended up spending a week in the hospital - undergoing tests, having blood drawn, IVs stuck in me constantly, and a blood transfusion as well. But in the midst of all the misery, God still showed Himself strong on my behalf. There were a couple of times when something, seemingly small, happened or was said that showed me God had not abandoned me. After that, when I struggled with depression, He still never gave up or left me. He was always there for me.

I have made plenty of mistakes since then that I seriously regret. He has proved time and time again that He will never give up on me, even if I give up on myself. He has proved His love for me. He has forgiven me for all of those mistakes and has renewed my hope for the future.

Without Him, I would not be here today. So today is my anniversary...not for the bad things that happened, but for the good that has come out of them.

My Thoughts of the Day

I tell people I'm okay being single and I really am! But that doesn't mean the desire to be married is gone. It means I try not to focus on it too much.

In spending some time worshiping and praying, one of the songs I was listening to really hit home with me. I knew in a minute that I still struggle. It's like my eyes were opened to see something about myself. There is still a part of me that feels like I'm not good or pretty enough. I realize that I still focus too much on my flaws - physical and otherwise. But I have to get over that 100% if I want to go further. If I want to accomplish all God has for me, I have to get over myself and quit comparing myself to other people.

He bought me...He paid the highest price for me. He set me free even from these feelings. He sees past my flaws and sees beauty. HE FINDS ME BEAUTIFUL!

There is the fear of no one wanting me. After all, I'm almost 30! But truth is, I'm accepted and loved by the only one who really matters. I may feel like a failure sometimes, but He NEVER fails and He is on my side!

I've been hurt in the past, and when I look to the future, those hurts resurface in the forms of fear and unworthiness. But it's all a lie. God always brings me back to Psalm 45:11 - "So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is thy Lord; and worship thou him." When I think of that scripture, God speaks to my heart, "I'm your king. I see you as beautiful. Worship ME. Focus on ME." It brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. His words make me feel alive and FREE.

And I will close with another scripture - 1 John 4:16a (AMP) - "And we know (understand, recognize, are conscious of, by observation and experience) and believe (adhere to and put faith in and rely on) the love God cherishes for us."